


i could be all of the things you'd ask of me

by timetoboldlygo



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, this is an amnesia au but it has a happy ending its not gonna be tragic i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 08:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11287218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetoboldlygo/pseuds/timetoboldlygo
Summary: It was over. Everything they had so carefully built together was gone, because Cassian was too good a man and Bodhi would spend the rest of his life loving someone who would never even remember what they’d once had together.In which Cassian gives up his memories so that Bodhi doesn't die.





	i could be all of the things you'd ask of me

**Author's Note:**

> happy bodhicassian week everyone! so i started this ages ago and i LOVE a good fuckin amnesia au but i know its not everyone's cuppa tea. i promise u, it ends happy!!! takes place a little more than a year after the events of rogue one
> 
> [here](https://playmoss.com/en/timetoboldlygo/playlist/i-could-be-all-that-you-d-ask-of-me) is the playlist that i made/listened to over and over while writing this, if you're interested

Bodhi’s hands were cold. His breath was stuttering. His heartbeat under Cassian’s palm was slow. Cassian wasn’t stupid. He knew Bodhi was dying. And he knew he couldn’t do a thing about it. Plu’ete was an Outer Rim planet that no one knew anything about. It was far from the Rebellion base and was easily one of the worst planets to crash land on and now it was the planet where Bodhi would take his last, gasping breath.

A poisoned arrow. They could have dealt with the arrow. Maybe even the poison, if they were anywhere else, but now Jyn, Baze, Cassian, and Chirrut were all huddled around Bodhi’s body, discussing plans about what to do like Bodhi wasn’t there dying.

Cassian had seen people die before. He’d seen a lot of people die before. But they hadn’t been the person he was in love with.

“It’ll be fine,” Bodhi said, eyes fluttering. He gave a very weak smile to Cassian and squeezed his hand. It wouldn’t be fine. Bodhi knew what was happening. They all knew what was happening. Bodhi looked back up at Cassian. “I’m sorry.”

He was _sorry_. Sorry for dying there, in Cassian’s arms, as this was his fault, as if he could help it.

“Don’t be,” Cassian managed to say. He leaned down to touch his forehead to Bodhi’s. _Please don’t, I just can’t handle it._

“Can’t stop,” Bodhi mumbled. “It was good, you know. Before right now, it was mostly really good.” He smiled wistfully. Like he knew it might be the last time he smiled. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“You’re going to be fine,” Cassian said desperately – lying – but Bodhi was already unconscious.

“He maybe has ten minutes,” Baze said carefully, like it might upset Cassian. As if Cassian wasn’t already grieving the man he loved.

“Or more,” someone said. Jyn immediately went for her blaster but whoever had spoken didn’t seem bothered to be on the other end of it. They were thin and willowy and a little bit see-through. Four arms. A Plu’etean, then. Their eyes were pure black and unblinking. “I am not here to hurt,” they said. Their Standard was slow and shaky – very few outsiders had been to their planet. It was a miracle that they knew Standard at all. “I am Taa. I help.”

“Oh, you do?” Jyn snarled. “Out of the goodness of your heart?”

Taa looked surprised. “No,” they said. “You pay.”

“How much do you want?” Cassian asked. Too desperately to pull off a negotiation, he knew, but he couldn’t be more in control when Bodhi could stop breathing all too soon. He wouldn’t have the money, but he would have to figure it out.

“I require memories,” Taa said.

Baze stood up. “Whose?” he demanded, taking a step towards Taa. He was always so protective of Bodhi now, like he’d adopted a son. Cassian was so caught up in his own pain that he hadn’t bothered to truly think of anyone else watching Bodhi die.

Taa locked eyes with Cassian. “His.”

“You want Bodhi’s memories?” Jyn said. She looked at Cassian. “We can’t. He would never do it, you know he wouldn’t.”

He wouldn’t. Bodhi’s memories were perhaps the most precious thing he had. Memories of Jedha, his family – those would all be gone. He wouldn’t even remember the loss. His memories were so painstakingly put together after Bor Gullet. He wouldn’t give them up. He’d been through so much to keep them. Cassian smoothed his hand over Bodhi’s forehead. He almost wished he were a cruel enough person, but he couldn’t do that.

Bodhi had once said his biggest fear was knowing he was missing something but _not knowing_ what he was missing it.

“Not his,” Taa said, still looking at Cassian. “Yours.”

Cassian blinked. “ _Mine_?” He couldn’t help but feel a flutter of hope. He couldn’t trade Bodhi’s memories – could never do that him – but he could certainly trade in his _own_.

“Some only,” Taa said, as if this was a great reassurance. “Just ones of him.” They pointed at Bodhi. _Just the ones of him_. Cassian felt his breath catch. “The healing needs sacrifice. You won't remember at all.”

“Cassian,” Jyn said, reaching out. Her hand on Cassian’s shoulder was heavy. Chirrut reached for Baze’s hand and bowed his head. Cassian didn’t know what message was passed between them, would never know. The strength of their relationship was so strong after being tested for so many years.

Maybe Cassian would never have that with Bodhi if he did this, but Bodhi would be alive. He’d fallen in love with Bodhi once. What was to say he wouldn’t do it again? It was this desperate hope he clung to as he answered. “I’ll do it.”

Even if he didn’t fall in love – well. It didn’t matter, really. Bodhi would be alive.

“Is this _permanent_?” Jyn demanded.

Taa stopped, their hand just an inch from Bodhi’s shoulder, where the arrow had torn through his skin, where the poison had started working its way through his body. “It is long-lasting,” they said. “Injury to injury.”

“What the hell is that, some proverb?” Jyn growled, “If you think-”

“This is my choice, Jyn,” he said. He willed her to understand. “We don’t have time for this.”

“What do you think this is going to do to Bodhi?” Jyn hissed, forcing Cassian to think about the things he couldn’t think about. “He’ll blame himself, you know he will. This is going to ruin him, Cassian.”

“He’s strong,” Cassian said. Bodhi was _so strong_ , no matter how much he doubted himself. “He’ll be okay. You’ll help him, Jyn, won’t you?”

“Fuck you,” Jyn snarled, which he knew meant that she would. Cassian cast his gaze at Chirrut and Baze, who nodded at him, faces solemn. They would allow him to make this decision. It was, after all, his to make.

 “You can tell him,” Cassian began. He hesitated. He wished, stupidly, that he could say this to Bodhi. “Tell him I believe I’ll fall in love again.” And he wouldn’t remember the first year, but they’d still have so much time together, to grow together and love each other still. It was worth it. He’d have paid more if it had been asked. He nodded at Taa. “Do it.”

Taa reached their long, spidery fingers out towards Cassian’s forehead. “Injury to memory and back,” they said quietly. Cassian didn’t know what that meant, but didn’t have time to think about it. Their fingers were freezing cold.

\-------

He woke up in what was clearly a medical ship. Baze was arguing – quietly – with Bodhi Rook, who wasn’t being quiet at all. Cassian couldn’t imagine why, from what he remembered Bodhi Rook _was_ quiet, a little nervous, and kept to himself. But then, he didn’t know Bodhi Rook very well.

“He’s awake,” Chirrut said, from Cassian’s bedside.  Cassian hadn’t even noticed him sitting there, he was so entranced by the argument. Bodhi, when angry, gestured a lot. “Stop arguing, you two.”

Bodhi snapped his mouth shut and looked over at Cassian, looking afraid. Cassian didn’t know what that meant, but the second their eyes locked, Bodhi looked away. His shoulders were tense. As Cassian watched, Baze put his arm around Bodhi’s shoulder and guided him towards the door. “You need to calm down,” he said gruffly. “You’ll only hurt him more.”

It sounded dire to Cassian. He wondered what had happened to him, what had caused the argument. Bodhi twisted his head to give Cassian once last glance. He looked distraught – maybe Cassian’s injury was his fault? – but Bodhi allowed Baze to push him through the door, which closed behind the both of them.

“What happened?” Cassian looked back at Chirrut. He felt fine as he pulled himself into something resembling a sitting position. Chirrut was sitting on a medical bed as well, his leg stretched out with bacta patches around his knee, but he appeared to just be taking advantage of the comfort of lying down, as opposed to actually being very injured. “I feel fine.”

“You had a head injury,” Chirrut said. Cassian reached up and carefully felt his head. No bandages. He didn’t feel injured at all. Maybe Chirrut somehow noticed this, because he added, “You’re fine now. Bacta is wonderful, you know.”

Cassian was no stranger to bacta. He was much more interested in what had gone down between Bodhi and Baze. He had thought Baze rather liked Bodhi, and couldn’t imagine a scenario in which Bodhi – the quiet, nervous pilot – would shout at Baze. “What was that?”

“Ah,” Chirrut said, reaching over and patting Cassian’s hand. “He thought it was his fault. It wasn’t, but we couldn’t convince him of that.” He sighed. “What do you remember?”

Cassian shrugged. “I remember we crashed,” he said. The door slid open and Cassian looked up immediately, but it was only Baze this time. “Well. Not the actual crash, I must have been unconscious?”

Chirrut looked up at Baze. “Is he okay?” Clearly talking about Bodhi.

Baze sighed. “Jyn is with him,” he replied, which wasn’t an answer. He turned to Cassian. “You were awake for a little bit,” he said. “Your injury was severe. You likely won’t remember it. Jyn managed to signal the Alliance and a medical ship picked us up.”

“I’m supposed to read you this list of things to make sure you’re okay,” Chirrut said seriously, pulling a flimsy from his pocket. He held it up to his face and squinted.

“Give me that,” Baze said gruffly, snatching the paper from Chirrut, who grinned widely and gave Cassian a wink. “Do you remember meeting everyone on this mission?”

“I knew you all before this mission,” Cassian said.

“All of us?”

“Yes,” Cassian said, frowning. These were very odd questions. He’d never had a head injury so serious they felt the need for check him for amnesia or anything. He wondered if this was just normal. “On Jedha. Well, not Jyn, but you two and Bodhi.”

Baze looked at Chirrut, who said, so incredibly seriously that Cassian knew it was a joke, “Are you sure? Can you name my favorite food? You have to be certain when it comes to these things, you know.”

Cassian let a small laugh escape. “Your favorite food,” he said, enjoying the teasing. It was a nice sensation, he so rarely had someone to cheer him up when he was in the medcenter. “It’s a fruit, isn’t? Aagay fruit? And Jyn likes omelets.” He looked at Baze, happy to entertain them. “I don’t know yours.” Baze didn’t talk much about it.

“I don’t have one,” Baze said. “What about Bodhi’s?”

“I don’t know Bodhi’s,” Cassian said. “I haven’t talked to him very much.”

Baze frowned. “You never talk to him?”

“Not much since Scarif.” He couldn’t recall ever talking to Baze or Chirrut or Jyn about this, but he had assumed they’d known that he and Bodhi weren’t friends. Maybe they hadn’t put together the fact that Cassian never joined them in the mess hall when Bodhi was also there. Maybe they’d assumed that because they were friends with Bodhi, Cassian was too, despite the fact that no one had ever seen them talking. “Two missions, but he kept to himself.”

“Hmm,” Baze said.

“I think Bodhi likes spiced chocolate,” Chirrut mused. “Baze, we should get him some, he doesn’t eat enough.”

“You’re supposed to feed people something healthy if they don’t eat enough,” Baze said, standing up with a small groan. He didn’t deny that they would get Bodhi the chocolate, though. “I’m going to check on him.”

“You should also get the doctor!” Chirrut called. He looked back at Cassian. “They ran some tests but wanted to talk to you when you were awake.” He made a small huff. “Bodhi refused to allow himself to be checked over.”

Cassian sat up suddenly. “Was he injured?” He hoped not. He couldn’t allow people to be injured on his team, he hated it, and Bodhi being injured – he didn’t want to give Bodhi another good reason to avoid him.

“He took an arrow to the shoulder,” Chirrut said, nodding. His face was serious again. “We patched it up on the planet but he wouldn’t let anyone check it. That boy is so stubborn sometimes!”

Cassian, having never seen anything in Bodhi other than practicality and a quiet nature, shrugged. He could hear Bodhi and Baze talking in the hallway, but couldn’t make out any words. He didn’t particularly want to wait for any tests. He pushed the blankets off and carefully stood up. He didn’t feel headachy or weak. In fact, he felt remarkably well for someone who’d just gotten out of a medical bed.

He liked that.

“You aren’t supposed to do that,” Chirrut said, clearly delighted.

“I didn’t sign a contract or anything,” Cassian said, taking a few steps. His jacket was thrown over a chair to his left and he gathered it up, heading for the door Baze and Bodhi had left through and sliding it open.

Baze was nowhere to be seen, but Bodhi was sitting on the ground right outside the door, his head buried in his knees. Cassian thought he must have been crying, but when Bodhi looked up, his face was dry. “Hi,” Cassian said, for lack of anything better to say.

He didn’t know very Bodhi well, despite their time on Jedha and Scarif. Cassian had been unconscious when the rescue ship came and picked him and Jyn off the beach – he knew that it had been Bodhi who piloted the ship. But Bodhi hadn’t reciprocated when Cassian had reached out to him in the days after Scarif. Cassian couldn’t think of the last time they’d talked. Probably one of the few missions they’d had together a few months ago, and even then, Bodhi had kept entirely to himself.

Bodhi blinked. “Hi,” he said hopefully.

“You sounded pretty upset earlier,” Cassian said carefully. “Do you want to tell me why?” He didn’t think Bodhi would say yes. He’d probably prefer to talk to Jyn or Chirrut or Baze, all people he was closer with. They sometimes ate dinner together in the mess hall, and Cassian would sit with other people on those nights.

Bodhi had never reached out to Cassian, so Cassian had stopped reaching out to him. He shouldn’t have – should have known Bodhi was nervous, mourning the loss of Jedha, just wasn’t ready. Cassian knew that now, but at the time, he’d just let Bodhi avoid him. Then again, Cassian had never been very good at friendship. Chirrit and Baze and Jyn had attached themselves to him simply because they didn’t know anyone else on base.

Bodh set his chin on his knees. “No,” he said, proving Cassian’s suspicions right.

“You’re waiting out here to see if I’m alright, aren’t you?” Cassian pressed. “Chirrut said you think it’s your fault. It wasn’t.”

“You were unconscious,” Bodhi mumbled. He refused to look up at Cassian again. He rarely ever had, always avoiding Cassian’s gaze in the common areas of the Base, so Cassian wondered why Bodhi’s refusal to look at him hurt so much. “You don’t know.”

“You’re a good pilot, Bodhi,” Cassian said. This was easy and true. He’d seen Bodhi’s skill on Scarif, knew that Bodhi had been working to join the X-wing fighter program – he didn’t know how he knew that, but he _did_ know that Bodhi was dedicated and talented. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Bodhi blinked at him for a second, clearly lost for words. “That’s – um – right. Thanks. Thank you. For that. Are you okay?”

“Completely fine,” he said. “Bacta healed me all up.”

“No headaches or – I don’t know, weird head stuff?”

“I think my head is fine,” Cassian said.

“Right,” Bodhi said, sounding – sad?

Cassian hesitated. If Bodhi still blamed himself, then it was Cassian’s job as the leader of this mission to assuage those fears. He crouched down next to Bodhi, who finally looked at him, confused. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Oh, uh, I can’t,” Bodhi said. “I was unconscious too.”

Cassian blinked. He hadn’t known that. “During the crash?”

“No, on the planet,” Bodhi said.

Cassian couldn’t stop himself from snorting. It wasn’t funny, but… “Did Chirrut and Baze have to carry us both?” He said, highly amused by the idea of it. Bodhi grinned and it was such a surprise that Cassian was breathless for a moment.

“I guess they did,” Bodhi said, clearly delighted. “Oh, that’s funny, can you imagine, them carrying each of us over their shoulder like a sack of potatoes.” He laughed – such a nice sound – and after a few moments, Cassian joined in. For a few moments, he felt so light. But then the laughter subsided.

“Chirrut said you were injured,” Cassian said.

Bodhi’s hand came up to touch his shoulder, where presumably there was a bacta patch trying to heal him up. “I’m fine.”

“You should get checked over,” Cassian said.

“Wise words, Captain Andor,” someone said, and both Bodhi and Cassian looked up to see the doctor standing there, looking disproving. She gestured towards the med center. Cassian heaved a sigh. Escape from the med center was always so useless. He didn’t know why he kept trying.

“Bye, Cassian,” he heard Bodhi say quietly as he trudged back into the med center. He didn’t know why Bodhi sounded so forlorn.

-

Bodhi had never been so – he guessed grateful was the word – for the fact that only Cassian, as captain, had to report to General Draven once they returned to base. Because that meant Bodhi could go to the room he shared with Cassian and empty it of all his personal belongings.

Well. Grateful wasn’t the right word, but Bodhi didn’t have another.

 _I’m not going to cry yet_ , he told himself, placing his hand on the scanner to open the door. He’d run off the second the ship had landed, before Chirrut or Baze or Jyn could corner him and make him talk about something he wasn’t ready to talk about, especially when they were always so good at making him talk about things he didn’t want to talk about. _I’m not going to cry. It could be worse. Cassian could be dead. He’s still alive._ He could do it. He hadn’t cried when he’d woken up on the planet and found Cassian unconscious, he hadn’t cried on the medical ship when Baze told him what happened, he hadn’t cried when Cassian had headed off to check in without kissing Bodhi’s forehead, the way he used to. Bodhi wouldn’t cry now.

But then the door opened on the room they shared together and then Bodhi was crying.

He sank down on their bed and just let himself sob in a way he so rarely allowed himself. He wrapped his arms around his stomach and hunched over, tears spilling over. It hadn’t seemed real before this. On the planet, when he’d woken up for just a few minutes, just long enough for Baze to carefully explain everything that had happened on the planet – it had seemed like a cruel joke. And then outside the medical center, with Cassian joking with him, it hadn’t seemed real.

It hadn’t seemed real until Bodhi walked into a room they had shared and knew, like a punch to the gut, that he couldn’t live there anymore. He had made so many plans on the ship, had thought of what he needed to do, but it had been in a detached, distant manner.

This was real. This was real, and he was sobbing and he felt so ill and he was mourning a man he hadn’t even lost, really. A man who was still alive and just – missing something, something that Bodhi couldn’t even truly be upset about because he’d have done the same thing, damn it.

 But it had only been a matter of hours and this was already killing him. He was so used to the way Cassian’s eyes would soften when they looked at him and the way Cassian would touch his arm when they were in public and the way he could make Cassian laugh, head thrown back and always so bright.

 It was over. Everything they had so carefully built together was gone, because Cassian was too good a man and Bodhi would spend the rest of his life loving someone who would never even remember what they’d once had together.

He thought he would feel better after he finished crying, but instead Bodhi just felt gross and hollow. Like someone had carefully extracted everything that made him happy, sad, upset – everything that made him feel like a _person_ – and just left the shell.

He just felt numb.

Mechanically, he gathered everything that was his. His clothing. His shoes. His beaten-up data pad that sat on the desk. The small orange plant on the windowsill with its feathery little leaves. The heavy family shawl that his friends had all so carefully stitched for him, embroidered with native Jedhan plants – even one small little red one done by Cassian. Bodhi’s hand hovered uncertainly over the beaded necklace that he’d bought for Cassian on a whim while on leave once – he didn’t know what Cassian would think when he saw it. Would he think someone else bought it for him? Or would he not even notice it?

Bodhi didn’t know very much about how this worked. Jyn had told him everything Taa had, word for word. And Bodhi had had all of last night to puzzle over it while Cassian slept alone a few doors down. Injury to injury. Injury to memory and back. Long-lasting. And the fact that Cassian wouldn’t remember no matter what Bodhi said to him. That’s what Taa had said.

Baze had told him quietly that Cassian seemed to think he and Bodhi had rarely interacted. That Bodhi had kept to himself, even on the two missions they’d been on together. Bodhi couldn’t decide if it was better that Cassian had some knowledge of him, that they had met and just not interacted much as opposed to never meeting.

That would be difficult to explain, considering everything that had happened on Scarif. And besides, Bodhi didn’t think he could look Cassian in the eyes and introduce himself knowing that Cassian had once known the most intimate, secret parts of his soul.

Jyn had tried to be hopeful. It wasn’t her nature, and she didn’t do a very good job of it, but Bodhi appreciated that she tried. Chirrut had said that whenever Bodhi was ready to talk, he would listen. Baze had simply knocked on his door early in the morning and let himself in, just wrapped an arm around Bodhi and sat with him.

They all seemed to think that Bodhi would get through this. Bodhi wasn’t sure, but Chirrut had told him, not unkindly, that statistically, Bodhi _would_ make it through, and Bodhi managed a little laugh, because Chirrut was right, of course. But still. He didn’t feel very confident at all in his abilities. So he took the necklace.

He’d allowed himself to be hopeful on the medical ship, when Cassian was laughing, but now Bodhi suspected he would spend years always teetering on the edge, half-believing with every joke or chuckle or look that Cassian sent his way that his memories would come back.

He didn’t feel that hopeful anymore. _Rebellions are built on hope, my ass_ , he thought, trudging down the hallway with his hands full. Everything he carried felt heavy in more ways than just material. In a way, it was the sum of his life with Cassian.

“Bodhi!” Jyn called, but he immediately rushed past her even as her eyes widened. She could see the evidence of his break-down all over his face. It probably worried her – Bodhi wasn’t a crier. He never had been. Crying always seemed so – he didn’t know but he knew it never helped. Bodhi was much better at just…doing what had to be done, no matter how much pain he’d been in. It was what got him through Jedha’s occupation, and the Empire, and the awful days after Bor Gullet. It might not have been good for him, but he was good at continuing to work.

In the dark of the night once, roughly four months after they’d started dating, in the middle of a foul mood that he hadn’t been willing to talk about, Cassian had said it was a miracle that they’d managed to stay together even this long, considering neither of them were very good at talking about their feelings. Bodhi had countered, saying maybe they would last forever because they both knew that keeping quiet was second nature.

Cassian had rolled over in the bed, so that he was barely a few inches from Bodhi’s face. “I don’t want it to be like that forever,” he said, tucking Bodhi’s hair behind his ears. His eyes were sad. “I want to be better. We can understand that about each other but still try, no?”

“Only because you’re cute,” Bodhi had agreed, which had the intended effect of making Cassian smile, but he knew Cassian knew what he meant. And he knew what Cassian meant. They understood each other, after all.

Since then, Cassian had made it a point to talk about whatever he was feeling: his grief, his life when he was younger. His rage. And Bodhi had returned the favor. And Bodhi understood, of course, because he always understood. He knew that Cassian had been through so much that he couldn’t talk about yet, but he was working his way up to it.

He rather thought that had been the tipping point in their relationship, the moment Bodhi looked back at and _knew_ they would last.

Well, that was gone now too. Cassian wouldn’t be trying to share those things with him anymore.

Bodhi swiped at his tears angrily. He knew he couldn’t avoid Jyn forever. He was going to live with her now. His bunk assignment was in the same room as hers, but he’d all but moved in to Cassian’s larger captain’s quarters not long after they’d started dating.

But it was technically still his bunk assignment, and where else was he going to go now?

He just wanted to go to sleep. Be unconscious for a little while. The bunk opened at his hand and he dropped almost everything onto a pile on the floor. Not his family shawl, which he draped carefully over the bedframe, nor the little plant, which he set carefully on the desk, but everything else went crashing to the ground.

He wished he could pretend that when he woke up, he’d find it was all a dream, but he knew he wouldn’t. He lay on his bunk, trying desperately to fall asleep, even though it was only afternoon.

Jyn did eventually enter the bunk. “Hey,” she said quietly. “I talked to Kaytoo. Well, I lied to Kaytoo, I told him you broke up and it would probably be nice of him to not mention you to Cassian.”

“That makes sense,” Bodhi said. His voice was hoarse. “K2 is a horrible liar.”

Jyn sighed. “I don’t know if it matters,” she said. Bodhi felt the bunk move as she sat down near his feet. “Given what Taa said about memory.”

Bodhi squeezed his eyes shut. On the medical ship, he’d grilled her about what had happened and she’d repeated it over and over, that she didn’t know how it worked or how it affected Cassian’s mind or what would happen if someone told him about what he’d lost. Baze had said he would try to figure it out.

“I’m – I’m going to give you some time alone,” Jyn said, and the bunk shifted as she stood. Near the door, she stopped. “He wanted me to tell you – he wanted me to tell you that he believed he’d fall in love with you again.”

Bodhi choked back a sob as the door closed. He knew a miracle like that wouldn’t happen again.

\----------------

Chirrut was waiting outside the briefing room when Cassian left, somehow knowing that Draven would want to speak with him, so as to fill in the gaps that Cassian couldn’t. He gave Cassian a brief nod and a clasp to the shoulder before he entered.

Also waiting was Kaytoo.

“Hey, Kay,” Cassian said, grinning. Kaytoo had had to stay on base, on account of a foot that had been blown off that then required a lot of rewiring by technicians – and a new foot, which had been hard to come by. It looked fine now. Cassian had been on missions without Kaytoo, of course, but he found he much preferred Kay to be there.

“I’ve been informed that I should not talk to you about Bodhi Rook,” Kaytoo announced. “Would it bother you if I talked to him while not in your presence?”

Cassian stared at him. “Of course not,” he said. He wondered who had told Kaytoo not to talk about Bodhi. And _why_. Maybe Bodhi had asked, because he thought Cassian still blamed him for his head injury, something that had already been completely healed?

He’d have to find someone and ask.

“Come on,” Cassian said. “I told Jyn I’d meet her for dinner.”

“You know I don’t eat,” Kaytoo protested, which he did every time Cassian went to the mess hall, but he followed anyways, nodding at people who nodded at Cassian. Being back on base was always slightly surreal for a few hours, like Cassian forgot that time went on without him there.

In the mess hall, Jyn was already seated and carefully considering her roll in a way that he’d never seen her do before.

“What’s wrong with the food?” Cassian asked, setting his own tray down. Kaytoo awkwardly folded his long legs under the benches next to him.

Jyn bit into her roll. “Nothing,” she said through her mouthful. She swallowed. “Bodhi isn’t feeling well and I wanted to bring him some food.”

“How come _you_ get to talk about him?” Kaytoo asked petulantly. Jyn looked at him, clearly trying not to roll her eyes. Cassian hid a grin. He knew Kay and Jyn had grown to be friends, but it was always fun to see them rile each other up.

But he couldn’t focus on that for much longer. “Did you tell him not to talk to me about Bodhi?”

“Yes,” Jyn said, raising her chin. Cassian said nothing, but waited for an explanation. She eventually leaned forward and whispered in Cassian’s ear, so that Kaytoo wouldn’t hear. “I didn’t want word of your injury to influence Kaytoo’s feelings,” she said. She sat back. “I like Bodhi. He doesn’t need Kaytoo hounding him.”

“I would never,” Kaytoo said, sounding scandalized. Cassian accepted the explanation, though, knowing Kaytoo could and _would_ make life rough for Bodhi in small, petty ways if he had the chance. And he would deny ever doing it, of course. The droid was loyal.

“Fine,” Cassian said. “Tell Bodhi I hope he feels better.”

He had always been good at reading people. But he couldn’t understand the flash of grief and pain that crossed Jyn’s face for just a split second before settling into a neutral mask. “I will,” she said, looking down at her tray. Nearly thirty minutes later, when she left, she had tucked two rolls and a small bowl of soup onto a tray and carried it carefully out of the mess hall towards her room.

Cassian sat in the mess hall a while longer. As always, he had a few days off to recover – four, to be exact, especially because he had been injured. He hated it, usually, since he never knew how to spend those days. It was frowned upon to work, but he didn’t have anything else to do.

He relayed this to Kaytoo, who said, “Maybe you can curate a new hobby.”

“Like what?” Cassian asked, amused by the very idea.

Kaytoo considered. “I would have to gather statistics,” he said eventually. “In order to know what hobby would be best for you.”

“Let me know the results,” Cassian said, finishing his drink and standing. It was a thought, to be sure. He didn’t have any real hobbies, not the way other people on base who played sports or knitted did. He’d never felt the need to curate them before. “I think I’ll turn in early. It’s been a long day.”

Of course, that was what he _said_. Hours later, he was still awake, staring at the ceiling. It was much later than the time he usually would fall asleep, and he was exhausted. Yet he couldn’t sleep. He’d always been a light sleeper, but had long since perfected the art of forcing himself to unconsciousness – otherwise, he’d never get any sleep at all because his mind would keep him up.

But he kept tossing and turning tonight. What was it? What was it that had kept him from sleeping? He was too cold, but too hot, and something was wrong. He sat up in frustration. He’d be tossing and turning for the better part of five hours and he didn’t have anything to show for it.

 The cool air was waking him up, but it didn’t matter, since he couldn’t sleep anyways.

He shoved his feet into his shoes, willing to take a walk around the base in his pajamas.  He’d done it before. He actually found the base to be very peaceful at night. All the lights were dimmed, the talk was slow, and the only people awake were the night crew.

Maybe he could get some tea in the mess hall and sort through his thoughts.

The mess hall was open at all times, to accommodate those who had odd schedules. It also had its uses for late night conversations. Though at 0300, Cassian expected it to be mostly empty.

And it was. There were a few people in one corner that nodded at Cassian blearily as he got his tea. And then there was Bodhi, immediately in Cassian’s sight when he turned around with his mug.

He was sitting at one of the tables in the back where the lights had been turned dim, not visible from the entrance. He had a colorful, heavy shawl thrown over his shoulders and his hands wrapped around a steaming mug.

Without even thinking about it, Cassian headed over there. “Can’t sleep?”

Bodhi looked up at him. Fuck, but he looked just as exhausted as Cassian felt. “Nope,” he said, looking down at his tea. “Nightmares.”

It surprised Cassian, the ease with which Bodhi admitted this. Not that it was anything to be ashamed of, but soldiers tended to keep it quiet, tended to be embarrassed. Not Bodhi. He just shrugged and took another sip of his tea. Battle-worn, but dealing with it.

“Can I sit?” Cassian asked.

Bodhi was visibly startled, but he still said, “Sure. I can’t say I’ll be good company, though.”

That didn’t matter. Cassian sat down. Now that he was up close, he could see the delicate embroidery work on Bodhi’s shawl: small tiny vines and cacti and tiny colorful blooms. It was absolutely amazing. “Your shawl is beautiful,” he said. He reached out to touch a small red flower near Bodhi’s shoulder, but Bodhi jerked back, eyes wide. Cassian withdrew his hand. “I’m sorry,” he said sincerely, “Am I not supposed to touch it?”

“No, it’s fine,” Bodhi said. “I just – um. Didn’t expect you to.”

“Did you make it?” Cassian asked.

Bodhi gave a small, bitter laugh. “No, no,” he said, holding a corner out so that Cassian could get a closer look. The stitching was exquisite and precise. It must have taken months to complete. “It’s a Jedhan family shawl. Traditionally, every member of the family stitches some part. Baze made it for my birthday, because I – I lost my first one on Jedha.” His eyes were sad. He pointed at a little pink flower next to the one Cassian had meant to touch. “Jyn did this one.”

Cassian wanted to make him less sad. He hadn’t meant to bring up Jedha, something that Bodhi was clearly still mourning. “Is that why it’s lopsided?”

Bodhi smiled slightly. “Yes.”

“That’s a wonderful tradition,” Cassian said, meaning the whole shawl. “Really.”

Bodhi’s smile faded. “Thank you,” he said, looking back down at his tea. He took a sip. “It meant a lot to me at the time.” His eyes were sad again.

Cassian took a sip of his tea, hating how _bad_ he was at keeping a conversation going when it wasn’t spy work. He cast around for something else to say. “Jyn said you weren’t feeling well,” he tried. “Are you feeling better now?”

It was an obvious subject change, but Bodhi allowed it. Maybe he was even grateful. “I just didn’t get any sleep last night,” he said. “I’m fine now.”

“But you still aren’t getting sleep.”

Bodhi lifted his chin just slightly, a challenge in his eyes. “Neither are you.” He finished his tea and stood up. The shawl fell nearly to his knees once he was standing and no matter how tired, he looked strong and regal in it, wrapped in the evidence of his friends’ love. “Goodnight, Cassian.”

“Goodnight,” Cassian said. And then Bodhi left him to be alone with his thoughts.

\-----------

Cassian truly expected that he’d only face the one sleepless night. He didn’t know what had happened, but he certainly didn’t expect it to happen again. After talking with Bodhi, Cassian had drained his tea and headed back to his room, where he’d spent another hour staring up at the ceiling before finally falling asleep just before dawn. When he woke up, he couldn’t tell that he’d gotten any sleep at all.

But he couldn’t lay around in bed all day, even though he was on leave. He was restless. So he dragged himself out of bed and took his time in the fresher – he found a toothbrush that wasn’t his and wondered where it had come from. He was slow to get dressed, forcing himself to luxuriate in all the excess time he had.

Kaytoo meet him in the mess hall around 1030. He was well used to Cassian’s mood on the first day of leave and regaled him with stories that had happened on base while Cassian had been gone for nearly two weeks.

For example, someone had crashed a small speeder _directly_ through the window of Mon Mothma’s office while she was in the middle of a briefing.

No other story on base could top that one but Cassian listened diligently all the same. He knew that Kaytoo had collected these stories just for him, both to keep him informed and entertained, and Cassian was really so thankful for that. It wasn’t in the droid’s nature and he went out of his way to do it. And besides, Kaytoo told the story three times – once to Cassian, once to Jyn, and once to Baze and Chirrut as they all sat down to eat with him – and it only got funnier every time.

“And you, Captain?” Chirrut asked. “Are you enjoying your leave?” He asked this in such a way that Cassian _knew_ Chirrut knew he wasn’t having a good time. But then, anyone who knew him would know this.

“You know I’m not,” Cassian said with a sigh. Traditionally, being on leave was always hard for Cassian. It took a few days for his shoulders to relax, and then he would remember how important taking leave actually was. Thankfully, Kaytoo never reminded him of this when he was complaining.

Baze did not show the same mercy. “You never realize how important rest is,” he said now. His tone was mild, but Cassian got the distinct feeling that he was being scolded.

“I know,” Cassian said, keeping his tone light. “I didn’t sleep well last night, so I’ll be glad of the extra days to rest.”

“You didn’t sleep well?” Baze asked.

“No,” Cassian said. “I ended up getting some tea and talking with Bodhi for a while.”

He didn’t mean for the words to make everyone at the table go quiet, but they did. Again, he wondered what exactly was going on. It was a rather new feeling for him, and it seemed only to surround Bodhi. Cassian didn’t like the mystery.

“I see,” Chirrut said finally. “Maybe you could try meditation with me tonight?”

“I don’t think it will last,” Cassian assured them. He’d never been good at meditation – he had built his life on always being aware and it was too much to turn inwards. “Just a fluke.”

Famous last words, of course, Cassian thought, reflecting on the conversation later that night as he again trekked to the mess hall. He’d gone to bed early again, so convinced that he would get to sleep immediately, and yet, here he was, still exhausted and unable to sleep.

If this continued, he’d have to get help from the medical center.

And so, again, he found himself in the mess hall, so late at night that it was morning, and again, he found Bodhi Rook.

Cassian had seen him briefly, at dinner, when Jyn had waved him over to their table and Bodhi had already been sitting there – uncommon, but Cassian suspected that Jyn was trying to help Bodhi assuage his misplaced guilt over almost killing Cassian and thought face-to-face time would work.

This time, Cassian just sat down across from him.

“Captain,” Bodhi said tiredly. He wasn’t wearing the shawl tonight and he looked much smaller without it. He was also wearing sleep clothes. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Quite a coincidence,” Cassian agreed, and allowed the silence to grow. It didn’t feel uncomfortable, really. “Is it nightmares again?”

Bodhi may have been so tired he couldn’t react quickly, but Cassian saw his eyes widen, so Cassian said, “You don’t have to talk to me, it just might – I don’t know. Help.”

“It’s not nightmares, but I don’t want to talk about it,” Bodhi said softly, in such a way that Cassian didn’t feel slighted or embarrassed in the least when he realized Bodhi wouldn’t say anything to him. He could tell it was just something personal. “It’s – very complicated. Why don’t you tell me why you can’t sleep instead?”

Cassian considered this. “I don’t know,” he said eventually. “I’ve never had trouble before. But every time I lie down, I just feel like I’m missing something.”

This time Bodhi _did_ react, and he reacted as if Cassian had punched him – his head jerked back and his mouth made a surprised ‘o’ and his eyes were wide. “I-” he said. “Sorry. I should go, I think.”

Then he gathered up his tea and left, leaving Cassian completely confused.

\----------------

“What do you think of Bodhi?” Jyn asked carefully on Cassian’s last day of leave.

Cassian paused with his spoon half-way to his mouth. What a loaded question. At the current moment, Bodhi was standing in line to get food and would likely be at the table in a few minutes. He looked at Bodhi. “What do you mean?” he said cautiously, because he certainly wasn’t going to mention anything about their last conversation. “He’s a good pilot. The Rebellion is lucky to have him.”

“But he’s cute, right,” Jyn continued.

Cassian looked over at Bodhi again, who was smiling just a little bit at the droid who was giving him his meal. He looked tired. “Yes,” he said, because when Bodhi didn’t look like he was about to drop from exhaustion, Cassian could see how beautiful he was. He wondered if Bodhi’s nightmares had gotten better. Cassian had shown up in the mess hall around two in the morning the last two nights, but unlike the first two nights, Bodhi hadn’t been there. Cassian had gotten tea and sat by himself.

“He’s single,” Jyn said meaningfully.

“We barely know each other,” Cassian said. He didn’t miss the quick sad expression on Jyn’s face, but didn’t know what it meant. Besides, he didn’t think Bodhi liked him very much.

“That’s what dates are for,” she pressed.

“Jyn,” Cassian sighed. After their talks in the mess hall, Bodhi had been – well, essentially avoiding Cassian unless one of their mutual friends forced them to sit down in the mess hall. Maybe they thought the mission had brought them all closer, but. It had just been a mission.

Not that Cassian would have minded becoming Bodhi’s friend – he found he _liked_ Bodhi – but Bodhi was undeniably avoiding him.

But he didn’t know how to explain this to Jyn, who clearly didn’t _recognize_ that Bodhi was avoiding Cassian. And he didn’t want to bring it up and cause trouble.

“I don’t see a single reason why you and he can’t just go on a date,” Jyn said heatedly. “You guys would be really – um, hi Bodhi.”

Cassian looked up just in time to see Bodhi set down his tray on the table. “Hi Jyn, Cassian. Jyn, can I talk to you for a second?” Bodhi said, eerily calm. He pulled Jyn out of her seat before she could agree. When they were near the door, Bodhi hissed, “What are you _doing_?” Not quietly enough, but then again, Cassian was _trying_ to overhear.

“I just thought maybe I could – ” Jyn said.

Bodhi cut her off. “I don’t exactly think shoving us together is the best option here,” he said, a little bit louder. Cassian could see a few heads close to them pop up, clearly listening. “You _know_ what I said! You know how I feel about this!”

“I just wanted to help!” Jyn said, but Cassian could tell she hadn’t expected Bodhi’s anger. Maybe Bodhi was one of those people who was slow to anger, but slow to forgive. “I don’t see why you _can’t just_ – ”

“Because it would all be a _lie_ , Jyn,” Bodhi said. Cassian blinked, startled. He’d thought he’d known what the conversation was about, but couldn’t imagine a conversation he’d had with Bodhi long enough for Bodhi to lie to him. So maybe it wasn’t about Bodhi having a crush on him.

That was a shame.

Cassian blinked, startled with himself. Where had _that_ thought come from? He barely knew Bodhi, and Bodhi didn’t even like him that much! He didn’t have any right to be displeased that Bodhi didn’t have a crush on him.

It would have been nice, though. Cassian had liked talking to Bodhi. He could have learned that Bodhi was avoiding him out of embarrassment and they could have moved forward and maybe things could have been good together.

But apparently that wasn’t it.

“I can’t do it,” Bodhi said, back near the door. All the fight abruptly went out of him, his shoulders and his hands both went down. He grabbed Jyn’s shoulder. “I could never – I’d feel too guilty. And – you know it’s his choice. You’re trying to force him. I don’t want that. And I’m not ready.”

Jyn wrapped Bodhi up in a hug. “I know,” she said. Cassian could tell by her face that she didn’t agree with him, but she still hugged him.

“I can’t even grieve,” he said, resting his head on her shoulder. Cassian looked away, feeling as if it was too intimate for him to watch. Jyn returned to the table, but Bodhi never came back for his tray, choosing instead to slip out the door.

\--------------

Bodhi couldn’t be in the mess hall with them. Especially knowing that Cassian was probably wondering what was going on, and Bodhi couldn’t give him answers.

Bodhi liked the rebellion base for many reasons, but mostly because of the gardens outside, where he could think and sort through his thoughts. That was where he went now, in the wake of his anger and sorrow, hoping the sun would make him feel just a little better.

It was hard to sort out his thoughts when he couldn’t think about Cassian without being sad.

Baze found him. Baze always found him. Bodhi liked that because he usually hated to be alone when he was upset, and here Baze was. “ _Good afternoon, young one_ ,” he said in Jedhan, and Bodhi closed his eyes and let the familiar sounds wash over him. He’d been teaching Cassian, very slowly, to speak some Jedhan, but until four days ago, Cassian had still only been able to say simple things like _thank you_ and _where are you_ and most importantly, _I love you_ , which he always said with a smile. “Jyn told me what happened in the mess hall.”

“Oh,” Bodhi said dully. “That.”

Baze carefully sat down cross-legged next to Bodhi, placing his hands on the dirt and grounding himself. “Can I ask why you were so upset?”

“I just don’t – I don’t – ” Bodhi shook his head. He couldn’t articulate his thoughts very well. He didn’t even know what he wanted, really. He just knew that when he had seen Jyn trying to push Cassian towards him, he had been so _mad_. “I guess I just – want to be left alone. And then I won’t have to think about it.” He would still think about it, of course, but it hurt less when he wasn’t in Cassian’s direct presence.

“You prefer to let Cassian go his separate way from you.”

“It’s not really separate when he doesn’t know we were together,” Bodhi mumbled.

“She only wanted to help.”

Bodhi knew this. Of _course_ he knew this. “I know. I just want you all to let Cassian choose his own path instead of forcing him back to me. It’s his life.”

“And you will do nothing?” Baze said, and Bodhi looked up in shock because Baze was _angry_. Baze, who was always so calm and rational, had rage written all over his face. His voice was low but steady as he said, “That man has given up everything for you and you won’t even fight for him. You just sit here and feel sorry for yourself instead of taking action.”

Bodhi stared at Baze, wide-eyed. “I – ”

“You should not accept this!” Baze said. “You lose far more by pretending you never cared about him! He believed he would fall in love with you again and you will not even give him the chance!”

Bodhi opened his mouth but nothing came out. Because Baze was right. Bodhi was just a coward. “I know,” he said eventually, burying his face in his hands. He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, as if that would stave off the tears that had been so close to the surface for the last week. “I’m _scared_ , Baze. I’m so scared that he won’t love me and that I won’t ever be okay and – I’m scared – that – that I’ve lost it all!”

He felt Baze’s hand on his back. “ _I know_ ,” Baze said softly. He always spoke in Jedhan when Bodhi needed comfort, and he did so now as well. “ _I do not know how hard it must be for you._ ” He sighed heavily. “ _But I think you have mourned long enough. Now you must take action._ ”

Bodhi wiped at his tears – he was crying _again_ and he almost felt ashamed about it, but Baze had seen him through everything by now. “ _What do I do_?”

“ _You let life go on_ ,” Baze said. “ _You let him become your friend. You acknowledge that he loved you and try to build your life together again_.”

“But what if he doesn’t love me?”

“Then you have still have a friend,” Baze said gently. “I’m right, I think, in suspecting you’ll love him as long as you live. Why not be proactive about it?”

His words made sense. Bodhi did already know he’d love Cassian for the rest of his life. It wouldn’t hurt much more if Cassian didn’t fall in love with him. Being his friend would have to be good enough. Being part of his life would be fine. It would certainly be better than stalking him for afar for the rest of his life, which was creepy, sad, and at the very least, going to become impossible at some point. If the outcome was Bodhi loving Cassian either way, then Bodhi would rather have Cassian be part of his life.

He hadn’t been ready to think about it yet.

“I don’t know if I can lie to him,” Bodhi said. He didn’t even know where these fears were coming from, because he hadn’t let himself thinking about it, but now that Baze was talking him through them, more kept cropping up. “It’s – I feel like I would ruin it all with my guilt. And he’d know, somehow, that I was lying! He always does.”

“He would not want you to feel guilty,” Baze said. “He knew what he was doing.”

“I know.” That wasn’t going to stop Bodhi, though.

“Cassian would not want guilt over a decision he made to be the reason you let him go,” Baze said with certainty, so certain that Bodhi felt better just hearing those words. “He would not want you to let him go at all.”

Bodhi didn’t even know what he was going to say until he said it. “It still hurts,” he said, and was so surprised at the truth of it.

It was so _easy_ to be with Cassian that it made Bodhi feel sick. Two nights ago, when they’d been sitting together in the mess hall, Bodhi could close his eyes and almost pretend that everything was normal, that nothing was wrong. And then he opened his eyes and he remembered and each time, he could feel his heart breaking. Every time Cassian looked at him with nothing more than cordial, casual interest, it broke him. He was still grieving.

“It will hurt,” Baze said. “Less with time. But is it worth it?”

“Of course it is!”

“Then you have to do this,” Baze said simply. “You can go slow, Bodhi. Take this one day at a time.”

“I know,” Bodhi said. He did know that. He felt ashamed for requiring someone to come help him with this. He was a grown man. He should have been better. Should have known better than to let his fear and heartache have him avoid the man he loved, let him slip through his fingers.

He sat with Baze for a few minutes, soaking in the warm sun and the gentle rustling of the plants before asking, “Would you have done it?”

Baze was quiet for a long moment. “I don’t know,” he said, slowly and carefully the way he always spoke. He didn’t try to pretend he didn’t know what Bodhi was talking about. “The pain that would cause Chirrut to see me, not loving him. Would I be the same man, even? We have been together so long.”

“I would do it,” a voice called, and they both looked up to see Chirrut walking towards them. He seated himself on the other side of Bodhi, so that Bodhi felt warm between them. “I am selfish enough to do so.” He sighed, and his careful fingers traced Bodhi’s face. “Do you feel better?”

“Yes,” Bodhi said quietly. This cry, at least, had been cathartic. He really did feel so much lighter now. Less hollow.

“Good,” Chirrut said, nodding. “You can always talk to us, if needed. It will be hard.”

“I know.”

“You know,” Chirrut agreed. “You always do. You never were one to shy away when things get tough.”

That didn’t sound like Bodhi. A person who never shied away from the things that scared or hurt him was braver than Bodhi, and stronger. But he could pretend, for a little bit, and be comforted by that.

\-------------------

Admittedly, Bodhi felt much better with a plan of action, even if his plan of action was just to be friendly with Cassian. He could do that. Baze was right. He could only do his part. What Cassian did couldn’t be guessed. He would really have to take this one day at a time.

It wasn’t Bodhi’s strong suit. He was really much better when he had a plan and a back-up plan and a back-up back-up plan. And sometimes, even a fourth. Life had proven to him that three back-up plans were sometimes very necessary.

But fine. For today, his only action could be sitting in the mess hall at 0200 to see if Cassian came through.

He was on his second cup of tea when Cassian shuffled in. He could see the instant Cassian saw him and he could see that Cassian was hesitant to come over after last time. He probably didn’t want to upset Bodhi again. He was always thinking of other people.

Kind of the main problem here, Bodhi thought wryly.

So he waved Cassian over and Cassian came, his eyes a little lighter as he placed his tea down and sat opposite Bodhi. “Good night,” he said, grinning a little. “I think we’re both now officially exhausted.”

Bodhi huffed. “Got that right.” He could see the dark circles under Cassian’s eyes and could only hope his weren’t as prominent. He certainly felt exhausted and even caf couldn’t help him in the morning. He would had to figure out something else for his nightmares, which came swiftly now. Jyn was probably ready to murder him.

Cassian took a sip of his tea and hummed just slightly. He seemed content to sit there in silence, which meant Bodhi had to take the lead. Great. Because he was so good at that.

“I want to apologize for running off on you last time,” he said. His voice didn’t waver and he felt quite proud of that. “I’m – working through some things and I – I just had to leave. It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

Cassian’s eyes searched him, and as always, Bodhi felt naked under his gaze. He wondered what Cassian found in him. “Don’t apologize,” Cassian said eventually. “I’m just glad I didn’t make you uncomfortable.”

“Oh, no,” Bodhi said. “I like talking with you. I think it helps me sleep better.”

It did, and that made him feel worse.

“Are you sure it’s not the tea?” Cassian asked wryly, holding his cup up (Bodhi knew it wasn’t). Cassian made a face. “I don’t even like tea.”

Bodhi knew that too. “I do,” he said, because he had to start a conversation if there was ever hope of them being friends and this was at least topical. “Well, this tea is a little bland, but my mother used to make this brew with _agaaya_ flowers and _wihis_ leaves that was great for insomnia.” He sighed. “Can’t get those anywhere around here.”

“I think I need it, though,” Cassian said. “I’m supposed to go back to duty tomorrow. 0800.”

It was now 0230. “Whoops,” Bodhi said.

“Whoops,” Cassian agreed. He rested his chin on his hand, a position Bodhi had seen him in thousands of times. But he tried to beat back that thought. He’d never get anywhere comparing this Cassian to the old one. “I never do well on leave.”

“You should get a hobby,” Bodhi suggested, which made Cassian laugh.

“Kaytoo suggested that to me as well!” he said. “Can you imagine me knitting?”

Bodhi tried to picture it. “Well, no,” he said, grinning just a little bit at the thought of Cassian making scarves or something. “But there’s other hobbies. Like, um. I know a lot of people get invested in smashball games or limmie after hours? I don’t know. I draw.”

“You draw?”

“Er, yes,” Bodhi said. Cassian’s gaze was completely focused on him now and it was a little unnerving. “Not very much recently because – well I’ve been feeling poorly, but yes, I’ve got a sketchbook.”

“That seems relaxing,” Cassian said.

“It is,” Bodhi said. “It was something I always did on long flights. Deep space is only so interesting so many times.” His other hobby, which is fixing mechanics, is only useful if something was broken. Frankly, it was something he was going to miss once he joined the X-wing program – he never drew as well anywhere else but on a cargo ship. Something about that space just cleared his head.

“I don’t think I’d be any good at drawing.”

“Well, no one is at first,” Bodhi said, which is what he’d told Cassian the last time Cassian had said this to him. “It takes practice. That’s why kids start with shitty macaroni art and we have to tell them they did well, even though it sucks.”

Cassian tilted his head. “What’s macaroni art?”

“It’s – are you for real?” Cassian nodded, so Bodhi said, “It’s like – it’s a common thing kids make, they take pasta shapes and glue them to boards and put them in patterns and make art.”

“Isn’t the pasta like – soggy?”

“No, it’s uncooked,” Bodhi said. He was unable to hold back his grin. “We should do it some time. It can be your new hobby.” He actually thought that would be really enjoyable.

“Sure, why not,” Cassian agreed. He was interrupted by a yawn, which he looked so surprised by that Bodhi had to hide another giggle. He looked down at his tea. “I guess this is working.”

“Yeah, you should head to bed,” Bodhi agreed.

“So should you,” Cassian said, giving Bodhi a scrutinizing look. He could read Bodhi so well. Bodhi wondered now that if it was just that Cassian had always been good at reading people, because of the nature of his job, or if this was some after-effect. Like maybe the memories were gone but like – muscle memory was still there or something. Bodhi wished he could find out, it would be kind of nice to know.

Then again, it didn’t matter, because Bodhi was going to be thinking of questions like this his whole life and he was never going to get answers.

Bodhi held his gaze. “Okay,” he said eventually, draining his tea and standing. Cassian did the same. “I guess beauty sleep is important.” And he saw just a glimmer of a smile from Cassian as he said it.

Mostly, he was hoping that if he woke up screaming again, Jyn wouldn’t be pissed enough to throw him out. She hadn’t yet – bless her – but there was a first time for everything. He missed sleeping next to Cassian, who would help him with his nightmares. Until a few days ago, he hadn’t had one in almost a month.

Nothing lasted forever, of course.

\----------

After the night in the mess hall, Bodhi stopped avoiding Cassian. It was really nice, actually, to see Bodhi nod or smile or wave back when they passed each other in the base. Cassian hadn’t realized how much it was bothering him. As much as he didn’t think about friendship, he did like to be liked.

It seemed almost a shame that he had to return to duty. Even as he checked in with contacts and did his duties, he felt lighter. He _had_ slept better last night and could only conclude that Bodhi had been the reason he had been unable to sleep. He hadn’t liked the idea that he could be causing the pilot any stress, especially over an injury that Cassian didn’t remember and wouldn’t affect him at all.

He hoped Bodhi was getting some sleep as well. Cassian had slept through the past four nights, so hadn’t showed up in the mess hall. And he’d only seen Bodhi once at lunch, and Bodhi seemed to be in a good mood, joking around with Jyn like they were siblings, and Cassian didn’t want to bring the mood down by asking about his insomnia. So Cassian had no way of knowing. He had to resort to asking Jyn.

“He was still asleep when I left this morning,” she replied. “I didn’t want to wake him up. He’s not really on active duty at the moment, and I think lack of the schedule is messing with his head.” To Cassian’s left, Baze gave a long sigh.

Bodhi typically got assigned to run cargo or troops during battle. Cassian didn’t know why he wasn’t a fighter pilot, since he certainly had the skills – Cassian had seen his Imperial files over a year ago, looking for him on Jedha, and his scores _should_ have had him become a TIE fighter pilot – but Bodhi seemed content enough with cargo and troops runs.

“Is he eating properly?” Chirrut asked.

“I’m not his mother,” Jyn said, on reflex, then added, “I brought him dinner yesterday and he ate it all. I’m going to try to bring him lunch soon.”

“That’s good!” Chirrut said. There was something else there, some coded meaning that Cassian couldn’t catch. He shook his head just slightly. Bodhi had never been such a topic of conversation among his friends. The last mission must have scared them. “Isn’t he supposed to return back to the training program soon?”

Cassian found his voice. “Training for what?”

“To be a fighter pilot,” Jyn said. To Chirrut, she added, “He starts again next week.”

“I thought he did cargo runs.”

“He did, for a while,” Jyn said, scooping up the last of her salad. She chewed thoughtfully. “Now he wants to do something else.”

Cassian wanted to know more. But he also wanted to know this from _Bodhi_. But aside from the last few nights, he didn’t really know how to approach Bodhi about this. There was so very different sitting with him in the dim mess hall, both of them with their hands wrapped around steaming cups of tea, neither of them able to sleep.

Cassian has always known that things were easier to share when you were exhausted, but Bodhi was just exceptionally easy to talk to. “I can bring food to Bodhi if you want,” he found himself saying. “I’m not on shift for another two hours.”

Jyn stopped with her fork half-way to her mouth and looked at Baze in a way that Cassian couldn’t interpret. There seemed to be a lot of that going on lately. He wasn’t used to being out of the loop like this. “That would be great,” she said. “I only have another ten minutes before I’m back on shift.”

“Tell him hello from us,” Chirrut said calmly, standing up. Baze stood up too, picking up both their trays to deposit as they passed out of the mess hall. They were probably heading for the garden, where they liked to meditate in the midday sun.

“I will,” Cassian said as they left.

Jyn pushed the tray she’d gotten for Bodhi over to Cassian’s side of the table. It held two aagay fruits, a small salad, a slice of bread, and what looked like Alderaan stew. It was a very nice, well-rounded meal. The mess hall was particularly good at Alderaan stew.

“And would you – would you make sure he eats most of it?” Jyn said, very quietly. She looked worried. “I know he skips meals when he’s busy or tired or upset or –” she shut her mouth suddenly, like she’d just realized Cassian shouldn’t be privy to this sort of stuff without Bodhi’s permission.

“Is he still upset about the last mission?”

“I don’t know how much I should say,” Jyn said carefully, then said, “he is, but it’s not about you. I don’t know, Cass, you should just ask him about it.”

So now Cassian was standing outside Bodhi and Jyn’s bunk with the tray. He hit the chime with his elbow and after a few moments, the door opened and there Bodhi was, standing in his pajamas, his hair down, and looking confused.

“Did I wake you?” Cassian asked quietly. It was nearly 1500 but if Bodhi hadn’t been sleeping well, then any sleep was precious.

“Um, no,” Bodhi said, then he looked at the tray in Cassian’s hands and a hopeful expression spread over his face. “Is that for me?”

“Yes,” Cassian said. “Jyn asked me to bring it.”

“Thanks,” Bodhi said, reaching out to take the tray.

“Do you mind if I stay with you?” Cassian asked. “Jyn talked about weapons specs for all of lunch, I could use some real conversation.”

It was a lie but it was a worthwhile one because Bodhi smiled again as he sat down on the bed with the tray and tucked his hair behind his ear. He looked really calm and relaxed – maybe he _had_ been getting sleep.

“Sit down,” Bodhi said, gently teasing. It took Cassian a moment to actually sit, because he was really very busy being awe-struck at how _beautiful_ Bodhi was when he was smiling and gentle and hopeful.

“This is really good,” Bodhi was saying, when Cassian started listening again. He was sitting cross legged on the bunk, dipping his bread in his soup. Cassian was distracted, because Bodhi was only wearing a thin tank top, and he could see an angry scar on Bodhi’s shoulder. “I’m always so surprised by how good the food is here, actually, I should really tell the staff that they do a great job-”

“Is that from the last mission?” Cassian interrupted Bodhi’s rambling, which was stupid for a lot of reasons, the most important one being that is was an invasive question to ask and the least important being that he already knew it was.

Bodhi squinted at him as he chewed. Didn’t seem offended, though. Maybe he thought this was just Cassian’s personality, to be blunt and stupid. “Yeah,” he said, swallowing. “I didn’t let them heal it properly, so it’ll scar now.”

He didn’t seem that put off by it.

“You could probably get the scar removed,” Cassian said anyways.

Bodhi shrugged. “Too much effort,” he said. “I’ve got tons, anyways, I’m always burning my fingers on wiring. Besides, it’ll be a fun story to tell in the future, you know, how I got shot with an arrow and then poisoned.”

Cassian sat up. “ _That’s_ how you got injured?”

No one had told him that. He hadn’t asked, of course, so he didn’t know why he felt so upset.

Bodhi put another piece of bread in his mouth and nodded. He was looking at Cassian strangely, probably because Cassian was being stupid. “Yeah,” Bodhi said. “Almost died, apparently. I was unconscious.”

“Is that why you’ve been having nightmares?” Cassian asked, before he could think better of it. He was immediately annoyed that he’d said it – he was a _spy_ , dammit, he should be better at this.

Bodhi snorted. “No,” he said. “The mission sucked, but I had the nightmares before.” He pushed his tray aside – it was empty except for one of the bright pink fruits – and got more comfortable. “That’s not why I’m not sleeping lately. Sometimes I just get insomnia. I’m sure you know, Captain.”

Cassian – well, he did, but he usually forced his way through it. And he could tell Bodhi knew that – he was good at reading people and he knew that Bodhi knew what he was talking about. So maybe Bodhi was good at reading people too. “I usually just work through it,” Cassian said.

Bodhi cast his eyes toward the ceiling. “Why is everyone on this base is so bad at taking care of themselves?”

“Do you?”

“Not in the slightest, but it’s the principle of the thing,” Bodhi said, grinning again.

They talked for another hour, which gave Cassian enough time to form a theory, which was this: he was so struck by how beautiful Bodhi is, especially when he smiled, because Cassian had never really seen him smile like this. On Scarif, Bodhi had smiled a few times, but they had all been stressed, tense, and that was all Cassian had seen.

It was different to be sitting cross-legged on Bodhi’s bunk, joking and laughing like they were teenagers. Bodhi seemed much more relaxed and less anxious than he had the past few days (actually, better than he had ever) and Cassian could only attribute that to the fact that he’d just woken up. And then to see that smile - dazed, Cassian realized that luckier people than he got to see that expression all the time.

He was abruptly glad that Kay wasn’t around to tell him of his rising heartbeat. Kay had never been smooth when it came to things like this. Not that Cassian was smooth either, but he was at least smoother than Kay.

It had been ages since Cassian had had a crush on anyone, which was probably why it had only taken a few conversations for him to feel like this around Bodhi. Fuck. A week of being tentative friends and Cassian already couldn’t help but smile back every time Bodhi grinned.

\---------------

Today was going to be a good day. Bodhi knew this, had known it when he woke up. He’d had a good few days of solid sleep, at normal hours, even. He was supposed to get dinner with Cassian later. He had returned to shift a few days ago. He couldn’t put a finger on it, but something about today had potential to him.

Maybe it was that he’d been talking to Cassian more, and Cassian was chatting with him like they were friends, and they _were_ friends. And Cassian had never been the solution to Bodhi’s many problems, but he had always been good at everything else Bodhi needed: someone to calm him down, to make him relax and laugh, to help him find his own solutions and work through his problems.

Bodhi had also been meditating a little bit with Baze and Chirrut – well, he hadn’t actually meditated, but he enjoyed having the time to sit with his thoughts. And Chirrut had not so subtly reminded him that despite everything that happened with Cassian, he still had many people who cared for him.

Of course, because Bodhi was feeling really good about today, it also happened to be the day that life metaphorically punched him. In the form of Kaytoo cornering him while he worked on his ship.

“You’re keeping something from me,” Kaytoo said. Bodhi couldn’t read anything in his voice which was a little scary, because Bodhi was _good_ at understanding Kaytoo. “Cassian is having memory problems, but they’re only related to you. When I mentioned your previous relationship, he said that it was a good joke.”

Bodhi made a strangled noise. A _joke_. Well, _that_ didn’t hurt or anything. He shoved that down, way down, and focused on Kaytoo. “Yeah,” he said, shoving his googles up on his head. “I – was lying to you, Kay, I’m sorry.”

“I want the truth.”

“I’m gonna tell you, just not on shift,” Bodhi said. “It’s – really private.”

“Your shift ends in twenty-seven minutes,” Kaytoo said. “I’ll stay.”

“Sure,” Bodhi said, turning back to his ship. It was a small freighter and he was impossibly fond of it. He did most of the repairs himself, and all the techs let him, knowing that all pilots were just weirdly touchy about their ships. He was really going to miss this ship when he was a fighter pilot, and ideally that would be happening soon – and it would be nice to have something to focus on – but he would still miss his ship.

“Bodhi.”

“Huh?” Bodhi said, jerking back.

“It’s been thirty-nine minutes.”

“Oh,” Bodhi said, looking down at the wiring. It would take another hour to complete, probably, and Kaytoo had given him an extra twelve minutes already. So Bodhi packed up his tools and let one of the mechanics know that his ship was definitely not ready for flight at the moment.

“You have grease on your face,” Kaytoo informed him once he was ready to go.

“Come on,” Bodhi said, ignoring it. He always had grease on his face. Sometimes it was metaphorical grease, but he had literal grease smeared there often enough too. “We can go back to my bunk, Jyn is supposed to be meditating with Baze and Chirrut.”

Personally, he didn’t think that was going to go well. But he was also pretty sure he was keeping her up at night and maybe she needed some peace and quiet – she was such a light sleeper. Bodhi's nightmares had calmed down a little bit, but he kept tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Probably she kept waking up worried he was going to murder her in the middle of the night, like in prison, but Bodhi would never try to challenge her like that, even if she were asleep.

Maybe he should ask for a bunk change. He’d probably have to go to the medcenter to get that, though, unless Jyn was willing to stage out a really dramatic roommate fight with him.

“Okay,” Bodhi said. Jyn _was_ gone from the room – he’d almost been hoping she’d be there, so she could do all the talking, but even thinking that made Bodhi feel like a stupid coward. He _was_ a stupid coward, but still. “So. Um. I don’t know how much you know about what happened on our last mission together?”

Bodhi should have known Kaytoo would tell him exactly what he knew. And Kaytoo did. “It was an infiltration mission to the Outer Rim that was technically successful, as you got information about Imperial cargo runs as well as an informant, but the ship was attacked and crashed on Plu’ete.” Kaytoo paused. “I don’t blame you for that. It was unavoidable.”

“Thank you, Kay,” Bodhi said, really touched by that. He kind of missed talking to Kaytoo, who had been avoiding him ever since the “break-up.” Kay had very nicely taken the time to inform Bodhi that he would be doing so. He’d even gone so far as to say that despite his loyalties to Cassian, this avoidance was in no way a reflection of Bodhi’s character.

Bodhi took that to mean that Kaytoo still liked him.

“Cassian was injured in the crash while you were injured by inhabitants of the planet. You were both unconscious for a while until a ship picked you up. No one on the mission had any long-term medical effects.” Kaytoo paused for a moment, and then added meanly, “Then you ended your relationship."

“That’s technically true,” Bodhi said. “The part about medical problems, anyway, and the fact that I was injured by inhabitants on the planet. The thing that – isn’t true was that Cassian was injured in the crash.”

 He sat down on the bed. “I almost died on the planet,” he said slowly. He’d practiced this speech a lot, in case he ever did have to explain it to anyone. He hadn’t yet, of course, because he hadn’t wanted to and no one outside of his group of friends spent enough time with Cassian to know that something was wrong. They all just assumed it was a break-up.

Besides Kaytoo.

“And – one of the Plu’eteans agreed to heal me. For a price,” Bodhi said. He slowly looked up at Kaytoo. Bodhi suspected the only reason Kaytoo wasn’t picking him up and shaking him around was because they were friends. “Which was, um. Cassian’s memories. Of me, specifically.”

Kaytoo took a moment. “And you let him do this?”

Bodhi shook his head. He wished he could have stopped Cassian. “I was unconscious,” he said. “I woke up on the Alliance ship and Baze told me.”

“Well, why don’t you just tell him?”

“I can’t,” Bodhi said. “It’s part of the healing magic or whatever. You could tell him all you wanted, but he wouldn’t believe it. It wouldn’t even have an impact on him. Like today, you said he just laughed and thought it was a joke.”

“Joke is the wrong word,” Kaytoo said. In the harsh lights of the bunk, he looked very threatening, even though this was Kaytoo and Bodhi knew he wouldn’t do anything. “I believe he thought I was teasing him. Not that he thought the idea was laughable.”

“Thanks.”

“So how do we get his memories back?”

Bodhi looked up at him. “I don’t think you can,” he said. “Well, I mean you could go threaten a bunch of Plu’eteans but they would probably attack you. And – it’s not like – it’s not affecting his work here or anything.”

“So what’s the plan, then?”

“There isn’t really a plan,” Bodhi said. “I’m just – we’re all continuing as normal. Cassian thinks that he and I didn’t talk at all after Scarif and we’re kind of becoming friends again and then I guess I just go from there?”

Kay immediately got what he wasn’t saying. “Your plan is to just hope he falls in love with you again.”

“Kind of,” Bodhi said. “I mean, he probably won’t, in which case my plan is to just be his friend forever while also being in love with him forever.”

“That is ridiculous,” Kay protested. “The statistical probability that this will work is incredibly low.”

“It’s all I’ve got,” Bodhi said, looking down at his own hands.

It was kind of nice to hear that, actually. Baze and Chirrut and Jyn constantly told him to be optimistic, that they were sure Cassian would fall in love with him again, but it was nice to hear the things Bodhi was thinking from Kaytoo. This had always been the reason Kaytoo and Bodhi got along so well – Bodhi was always thinking about the bad things that could happen and Kaytoo was such a bad liar that he wouldn’t be able to say anything encouraging if it wasn’t likely. It made Bodhi feel sane.

Kaytoo was quiet for a long moment, long enough that Bodhi looked up at him suspiciously. Eventually, Kaytoo said, “I can find no other viable alternative, but I think this will change if I do more research on Plu’eteans.”

Bodhi knew what he was saying. He was saying he both accepted this but wouldn’t give up. “You’re a good friend, Kaytoo,” Bodhi said.

“I should go,” Kaytoo announced, clearly unsure what to do with that. “I will let you know what I find.”

“Okay,” Bodhi said, taking pity on him and letting him leave. Without him in the bunk, it seemed much larger, almost uncomfortably so. And Bodhi was alone again, which sucked.

But it had all been fine.

Maybe today hadn’t actually been a good day, but the good part of it was realizing that he was on the path to being okay. His hands weren’t shaking. He had been able to tell this to Kaytoo without breaking down. He wasn’t okay yet, but he could be. It was possible. It still hurt, and Bodhi suspected it always would, but in the way the death of a loved one always hurt – gentler than the stinging pain Bodhi had felt the first few days after the mission.

Huh.                             

Weird. Bodhi didn’t know what to do with that.

\--------------

More proof that today was not a good day: Tonc was in the mess hall tonight. Today was clearly a day of challenges. Bodhi closed his eyes for a second but continued to get his tea. The second he sat down, Tonc slid onto the bench next to him and Bodhi had to brace himself.

He liked Tonc, he did. But he’d had admittedly been avoiding a lot of the people lately. He truly did feel bad about it; he’d made a lot of good friends on the base, but – well – he couldn’t talk about it very easily. Not that he could talk about anything easily, but this was a really big thing he couldn’t talk about.

Looked like Tonc was going to force the conversation, though. (And Bodhi hated himself for feeling this way, because he liked Tonc. Tonc had _saved his life_ and pulled him out of burning rubble on Scarif! Bodhi was just bad at friendship.)

“I heard you – and – well, I heard you broke up last month,” he said quietly.

Bodhi stifled a hysterical laugh. He’d let the lie spread around the base, certain that no one would ask Cassian – _Cassian,_ who would never talk about anything personal – about it. It seemed much too intimate to let everyone know the truth. Bodhi didn’t want anyone to know. And besides, Cassian wouldn’t have wanted his personal business spread all about the base, even if he didn't remember what his business was.

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” Bodhi said. “Besides, I’m waiting for someone.”

This wasn’t technically true. It wasn’t as if he and Cassian had a standing appointment or anything. Definitely not dates. Just – they sometimes sat and talked when they couldn’t sleep. And Bodhi was desperate and he missed his boyfriend and this was _all he had now_.

And he couldn’t fix it and he sure as hell couldn’t explain that because as far as everyone knew, he and Cassian were broken up.

He could actually see Cassian in the corner of his eye, getting tea. He nodded at them and Bodhi smiled back. Tonc followed his gaze. “You’re kidding me,” he said. He didn’t seem judgmental.

“You should go,” Bodhi said quietly.

“Okay,” Tonc said. He rested his hand on Bodhi’s shoulder gently. “I’m here for you, you know that, right?”

 “I do,” Bodhi said. “Thank you for checking in on me.” And then Tonc was gone and Cassian was sliding into the seat across from Bodhi.

Cassian had brought work this time. The work of a spy was often mind-numbingly boring and a lot of Cassian’s time was spent combing through reports from officers on other bases. And even more time was spent analyzing every sentence of information he might get from an informant, to see if it was worth anything.

They had used to spend a lot of nights together like this – Bodhi would draw or tinker or do whatever, and occasionally, Cassian would talk about his work or Bodhi would tell really bad jokes.

Bodhi had had four weeks now to think about this, and he was certain: the familiarity was the worst thing about it. The fact that Cassian was _still there_ , still did all the same things he always had, still spent time with Bodhi in the exact ways he always had. Bodhi felt simultaneously comforted by this fact and devastated by it.

On good days, Bodhi was comforted by this fact. Like yesterday, when he and Cassian had been playing cards with Jyn, Baze, and Kaytoo. It felt like nothing had to change. Cassian was the same person, still in Bodhi’s life. Bodhi still had his friend and he still had a chance. He was optimistic.

On those days, when everything felt the same and Bodhi could pretend that nothing had ever happened at all, everything felt just golden. Cassian’s amnesia wasn’t at the forefront of his mind and he didn’t feel guilty but he _did_ feel like he could breathe again, like he could live his life.

He was fighting to make the good days more common, but today he had lost the fight. He felt tired. He was always tired, not in a sleepy way but in a bone-deep exhaustion that he couldn’t shake. Even on the good days it was still there, lying in wait. He couldn’t even explain this to Tonc. Couldn’t explain that they hadn’t broken up, he was just hoping Cassian would love him again and he wouldn’t have to live the rest of his life feeling like this.

On bad days, Bodhi remembered that yes, everything had changed and he had lost something deeply important to him. His familiar actions and the familiar way he smiled only reminded Bodhi that he’d lost him and he likely wouldn’t get him back.

So maybe he wasn’t really that close to being okay.

 _No_ , Bodhi thought, so fiercely that he surprised himself. He _had_ been having more good days than bad. This very afternoon, he had thought he was on the path to acceptance, and he wasn’t about to undermine that. So what if he had bad days? He was always going to have bad days! But they’d been fewer and far between lately and he was sleeping well and dammit, he was going to be okay if it was the last thing he did.

He was so deep in these thoughts that he didn’t realize that Cassian had put down his datapad and said his name several times.

“Bodhi, are you okay?” Cassian said. He’d clearly realized that Bodhi wasn’t doing much of anything but staring off into space.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine!” Bodhi said hurriedly, straightening up. “Um. Yeah. Just – thinking, you know. You know how it is. You think. About things.”

Cassian stared at him. “I’ve been known to think about things myself,” he said dryly, and Bodhi kicked him under the table, which made Cassian break face and smile. “Sorry. Sorry! What were you thinking about?”

“Uh,” Bodhi said. “Nothing.”

Cassian didn’t believe him, because it was the worst lie Bodhi had ever told in his entire life. He was usually so much better at lying. He’d once lied to his instructor’s face about why he’d almost crashed his ship by saying he wanted to experience true weightlessness when he’d really been getting a blow job!

“You wanna try again?” Cassian asked.

“Sure,” Bodhi said. “I was – uh – thinking about my ex-boyfriend.”

Even worse.

Where had _that_ come from? It wasn’t the worst lie Bodhi had ever told because it was both believable and technically true, but it was absolutely the worst thing he’d ever said in general, including the time he’d been on massive amounts of painkillers and told everyone about the time three of his baby cousins had thrown up on him in one day.

Now Cassian was going to _talk to him about it_.

“In a good way or a bad way?”

“Neither?” Cassian didn’t look impressed with that. Bodhi tried again. “Both?”

That at least got Cassian to shake his head. “I guess I don’t know what you mean,” he said, reaching for his mug. _Rja_ tea, probably, which Cassian disliked the least. “It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship.”

Bodhi was such an idiot. He should have known this would least this. Fuck his stupid mouth for not shutting up. “Well, it’s like,” he said, because he apparently loved to cause himself pain. “I miss him. We were together for a year, almost exactly. And I miss the good times with him.”

“But you also think about the bad times?”

“We didn’t have bad times,” Bodhi said before he could think better of it.

“But you broke up.”

“I mean – uh. Yeah. He broke up with me,” Bodhi said, which was closer to the truth than saying it was a mutual breakup. “Right before that Plu’ete mission, actually.”

He could actually _see_ understanding cross Cassian’s face. “So that’s why you haven’t been sleeping well.”

Close enough. Bodhi shrugged. “It’s not that we had bad times,” he said. “It just didn’t work out. And it was a total shock to me, I didn’t expect it all. And the mission – it didn’t help. At all. I felt like the break-up was my fault and then the mission went bad, which was also my fault.” He looked up at the ceiling. “And I was just thinking about the fact that I’m working on it, you know? On being okay.”

“That’s good,” Cassian said gently, giving Bodhi a soft smile that Bodhi often wondered if only he got to see. “That’s really good, Bodhi.”

“It is good,” Bodhi said determinedly. He sipped at his tea. “It’s good.”

\--------------------

Cassian knew lots about Bodhi now. He knew that Bodhi liked to draw but was private about it, he knew that Bodhi liked bad jokes, that he cared very deeply and would do anything for their friends, and that he and Kay got along well enough – that had been something really wonderful to discover, since Kay could get jealous, but Cassian had spotted them in the hangar last week. Bodhi had been protesting over and over that something wasn’t funny while he was doubled over with laughter.

He knew that Bodhi only had another few hours of training before he officially because a fighter pilot and that he had flown cargo ships for the first year because he needed some time for himself to sort through his grief after Jedha, his trauma after Bor Gullet, and his guilt at joining the Empire. He knew that Bodhi had gone through a terrible break-up a little less than a month ago. He knew that Bodhi had a tendency to babble, but when needed, could focus immediately on the problem at hand.

And he knew that he liked knowing these things about Bodhi.

One a rare day where he had some free time after dinner, he went looking for Bodhi in the gardens. Technically, Cassian found him. He was sprawled across a bench, head in Chirrut’s lap, asleep. Chirrut’s robes were spread across his shoulders.

“Captain,” Chirrut greeted him. “I’d invite you to sit, but it seems to be impossible at the moment.”

“That’s fine,” Cassian said, sitting on the ground in front of him. He liked the gardens well enough but didn’t often find the peace that Baze, Chirrut, and Bodhi all found there. He found peace in the people he spoke with there instead. “I was just looking for Bodhi.”

Chirrut shook his head. “He doesn’t sleep enough.” There was frustration laced through his tone. It was rare to find that there, so he must have been very worried about Bodhi. “He didn’t sleep at all yesterday.”

Cassian looked at Bodhi, feeling a little put-off. “Maybe he had a lot of work that needed to be done.” He’d seen Bodhi two days ago at night in the mess hall, where they often met. It had been early enough – only 2000 – but Cassian had assumed that Bodhi did what he did and went to sleep after they talked. Not that he just put off sleep for the entire night.

Chirrut sighed. “He always skips sleeps when he isn’t well in here.” He touched his heart. “I suspect our last mission is still affecting him.”

“Maybe it’s that he broke up with his boyfriend?”

Chirrut looked startled. “He told you about that?”

“Only a little bit,” Cassian said. “Just that his boyfriend dumped him after a year and it was a complete surprise. So that would – affect his - ” he also gestured to his heart. “It would be an emotional matter,” he ended up saying.

Chirrut shook his head and looked down at Bodhi, who looked dead to the world. “Baze and I worry about him,” he said softly. Then, even softer, like it was a secret, “We were considering leaving.”

“Leaving the Alliance?”

“Yes,” Chirrut said. “We are old men –”

“Not that old,” Cassian said automatically, which made Chirrut smile.

“But we think it is time,” Chirrut continued. “We have been looking at a peaceful planet. We have given so much already. How much more will we give? I know that seems awful to you, Cassian, since you would give everything, but. We have so little now. We want to be selfish.”

“I understand,” Cassian said gently. He did, truly. Maybe if he had someone he had devoted thirty years of love to, he’d say that it was time to take a step back.

“But how can we leave him like this?” Chirrut said, shaking his head.

Cassian thought of Bodhi a few nights ago, saying that he thought he was going to be okay. His eyes had been so determined and bright. Bodhi’s strength was hidden, but it was there. “I think you aren’t giving him enough credit.”

“You don’t know what he’s been through,” Chirrut snapped with enough vigor to startle Cassian. Chirrut wasn’t in the business of snapping at people, typically, and it took Cassian a few moments to find his voice.

“Bodhi is strong,” Cassian insisted. “He’ll have me and Jyn, but he’s stronger than either of us. He’s been through so much. He’ll get through this too.” He let Chirrut absorb this and then added, “Are you sure you want to stay for him and not for you?”

Chirrut ran a hand through Bodhi’s loose hair carefully. The air felt hot and heavy, almost stifling, but that could just be the tension. He didn’t look upset but thoughtful, but that was pretty much his default expression when he wasn’t teasing anyone. Eventually, Chirrut spoke. “Do you ever tire of being right?”

“Never,” Cassian said.

Chirrut sighed. “He’s become like a son to me,” he said. On his lap, Bodhi shuffled around and Chirrut carefully adjusted him so that he wouldn’t fall off the bench. “I never wanted one, but now I find myself distraught at the very thought of losing him.”

“You won’t lose him.”

“I could,” Chirrut said. “There are so many ways he could be lost to me. And I’m not prepared for any of them. But none of those ways are because I will move to a nice planet with my husband. Don’t tell Baze I said this, but he wants to leave even less than I do now.”

That explained why Baze had been so grumpy lately. “Then why leave?”

“We need to,” Chirrut said simply. “It’s time. The only reason to stay would be the friends we have made here. And as you’ve just said, we would not lose you if we left.” He reached out and placed his hands on Cassian’s face. They were cool and familiar and felt a little bit like home. Cassian felt his heart ache at the very thought of losing this. “It’s always difficult to say goodbye.”

“I don’t want you to go,” Cassian whispered. “I don’t want to stop you, or anything, I will just miss you.”

Chirrut just smiled at him. “I know,” he said, and they sat like that for a while. Cassian closed his eyes and wondered if he was feeling the peace that everyone else seemed to find in the gardens.

“I should find my better half,” Chirrut said eventually. “We have much to talk about.”

Cassian opened his eyes to see the most beautiful sunset flooding the skies with oranges and reds and blues. It had been gray all day and it felt like Cassian had truly found peace if the sky looked like this for him.

Cassian stood up, legs sore from sitting. “I can carry Bodhi back to his bunk if you want,” he said, for completely selfish reasons as he was sure Chirrut could carry Bodhi and several others if necessary.

Chirrut nodded, though, so Cassian carefully scooped Bodhi off the bench – his hands were so _cold_ from the cool stone – and into his arms, so that he had one hand under his knees and one around his back. He was sure Bodhi would wake up, but either Bodhi was naturally a very heavy sleeper or just that exhausted, because his eyelids didn’t even flutter.

So he carried Bodhi through the hallways, ignoring the odd looks he got. He didn’t think it was _that_ weird to carry someone back to his bunk and couldn’t figure out what the looks meant. Maybe they were all going to tell Bodhi’s ex-boyfriend that Cassian Andor was making a move and then Bodhi’s ex would realize what a complete idiot he’d been and say that Bodhi was perfect and he would love to have him back.

That’s would Cassian would do.

He kind of wanted to know who this ex-boyfriend was. He hadn’t done any digging because that was an invasion of privacy, but he wanted to know what idiot had dumped Bodhi.

Kay didn’t know either. Not that Cassian had asked. In fact, Kay was the one who brought it up.

“You seem to be spending a lot of time with Bodhi Rook after your breakup,” he’d said a week ago, while Cassian was at his desk. He was grateful that Kaytoo had decided to broach this topic while Cassian was in his quarters – the last time Kay had mentioned anything personal, it had been in the middle of a briefing. Kes had made fun of him for _months_. He wasn’t surprised that Kaytoo had picked up on his crush, either. Kaytoo was in expert in all things that pertained to Cassian.

“Whose breakup?” Cassian said absently, reading a report.

“Yours.”

Cassian snorted. “I sure as hell wouldn’t break up with him,” he said, then, “good joke, though.” Kay’s humor didn’t always land right, but when it did, it was hysterical.

“It’s not a joke,” Kaytoo said.

“Okay, it was teasing,” Cassian clarified, but he got what Kaytoo was saying, he thought. That Cassian’s feelings about Bodhi weren’t a joke.

But it didn’t really matter either way, because even though Cassian was carrying Bodhi to bed, Bodhi was very clearly still not over his last boyfriend. Bodhi had _talked_ about the very fact with Cassian.

So there wasn’t much he could do about it. Even if he did want to do something – and he really really wasn’t sure he wanted to, not matter how cute Bodhi was, because they were at war and he’d done awful things during that war and maybe he’d ruin at all – it still didn’t matter, because Cassian wasn’t going to put pressure on Bodhi to jump into a new relationship when he still reeling from the last one.

Cassian slid open Bodhi’s door, amazed that Bodhi could still be asleep – even lightly snoring – through all this. Of course, once Cassian had placed him carefully in his bed and was pulling his shoes off, Bodhi woke up.

“Cass?” he mumbled blearily.

“It’s me,” Cassian said, smoothing a hand over Bodhi’s hair. He liked hearing the nickname, which Bodhi had never used before. On impulse, he dropped a kiss on Bodhi’s forehead. “You need sleep, Bodhi.”

“You’re back,” Bodhi said, looking up at Cassian with such a hopeful, tender expression that Cassian felt his breath catch. He reached up and put his hand on Cassian’s jaw, smoothing his thumb along Cassian’s cheek carefully, as if Cassian were his lover. “I didn’t think you’d come back.”

“I didn’t go anywhere,” Cassian said. Bodhi was clearly still exhausted and not at all in his right mind – he was already falling back asleep.

Bodhi didn’t seem to hear him. “You can’t do it again, I won’t make it,” he said, panicked. “You can’t leave.”

“I won’t,” Cassian said, taking Bodhi’s hand from his face and gently folding it back to his chest. “But you need to sleep.”

“Okay,” Bodhi said. Already his eyes were closing. “Okay, it’s all okay, you’re back now.”

Cassian frowned at him. He didn’t know what Bodhi was talking about at all. Maybe Bodhi thought he was someone else? But Bodhi had said his name.

He sat there on the end of Bodhi’s bed for a while, unsure of what to do. He’d promised he wouldn’t leave and Bodhi had seemed desperate and scared. But Cassian had to sleep and Bodhi probably hadn’t meant those words for him anyway, so he took one last glance at Bodhi, curled up on the bed, and broke his promise.

\--------------

Bodhi kept the announcement of becoming a fighter pilot very quiet for two reasons: because he hadn’t talked to a lot of people recently and because it wasn’t that big a deal. No one had thought he wasn’t going to make it, not even Bodhi.

But Baze had insisted on celebrating with him and Chirrut, so Bodhi had followed him to the off-duty lounge, feeling a little bit like a child whose parents were proud of him for finishing school.

But the lounge had been full of people who shouted “Congratulations!” when Bodhi walked in.

“Surprise,” Baze said, smiling.

“I’m _very_ surprised,” Bodhi said, accepting a hug from Jyn. Over her shoulder, he could see a dozen grinning faces. He felt warm and happy all over. He hadn’t talked to very many of his friends since everything had happened, and he wouldn’t have expected them to come after nearly two months of avoiding them.

But Tonc was grinning at him and pushing a bright orange drink into his hand and Luke was making bad jokes about how he’d have to change his name to Skyloser once Bodhi got up in the air with him, which was making everyone laugh. Han was mostly lurking around Leia and Luke, but he did offer Bodhi a very sincere “good job,” which was probably the first thing he’d ever said to Bodhi. Shara Bey gave Bodhi two kisses, one on each cheek, and then a hug.

No one seemed to mind that it had been a while since he’d talked to them.

“I hung the banners,” Kaytoo said proudly, gesturing to the slightly lopsided pink thing that hung over the makeshift bar. Then, very quietly, he added, “The party was Cassian’s idea.”

“Thanks, Kay,” Bodhi said, looking around for the man in question. He eventually saw him in the back, talking to a mechanic that always worked on Bodhi’s ship. He started to head over, but was waylaid by Wedge (who Bodhi liked as a person, usually, but not at this moment).

“Congrats, man,” Wedge said, slapping him on the back. “Hey, you won’t guess what I heard – I heard you’re going to be assigned to the Rogue Squadron! I mean, how could you not be, since you kind of named it?”

Bodhi snorted. “There’s no way I’m getting added to that squadron,” he said. He was supposed to find out tomorrow.

“It’s gonna happen,” Wedge said with certainty. “You find me tomorrow and let me know. There’s gonna be a squadron bonding night next week that I want you in on, okay?”

“Okay,” Bodhi said, because Wedge’s good humor was always so infectious. “ _If_ I get added.”

“You will!” Wedge said, slapping him on the back again before heading off to the bar and leaving Bodhi free to weave through the crowd to find Cassian again.

“I heard you planned this,” he said, sidling up to where Cassian was leaning against the wall, talking with Kes Dameron. He handed Cassian a drink, something he knew Cassian liked, and Kes very wisely took that as his cue to get lost.

“It seemed like a good idea,” Cassian said, grinning. He seemed looser, less uptight and put together than usual. Bodhi couldn’t tell if he was just having a good time or if he was a drunk, but Cassian did look remarkably clear-eyed and present. “You worked so hard to get here, Bodhi. It was well-earned.”

“I’m just glad no one thinks I’m a loser for voluntarily spending over a year as a cargo pilot,” Bodhi said. He liked being a cargo pilot, of course, but had spent a lot time with the Empire, where cargo pilots got a really bad rap. And besides, he’d needed that year to sort through his thoughts, which was hard to do when Bor Gullet had taken so many of them.

“No one thinks that!” Cassian said, more forcefully that Bodhi had expected. “No one. You did what you needed to, Bodhi. That’s strength.”

“Thank you,” Bodhi said quietly. He’d heard that before, of course, but it felt different now. “It’s really hard to believe it’s been a year and a half since I defected,” he said quietly.  “It seems so far away now.”

Everything from the last year seemed so separate from these last two months, which Bodhi had taken to referring to as After Cassian, which was silly because Cassian was still there. Two months of dancing around each other, then a year of wonderful dating, and then, almost exactly another two months of being ‘broken up.’ There was a symmetry there that Bodhi could appreciate.

“It’s been good lately,” Cassian agreed, looking at Bodhi. And Bodhi let himself hope that what he was seeing wasn’t a lie. That _he_ had made it good lately for Cassian, that the look in Cassian’s eyes _meant something_.

Shara just _had_ to interrupt, though. _Fuck you, Shara, learn how to read the room_. “We’re gonna head out soon,” she said, jerking her head towards Kes who was standing by the door. “Can we talk to you in private before we go?”

“Sure,” Bodhi said, detaching himself from the wall with no small amount of regret and following them out the lounge and towards the crew quarters. They were a suitable distance from the lounge when Kes stopped and turned to look at Bodhi.

“We have something to ask you,” Kes said, capturing Shara’s hand in his. He was grinning like a madman, like he couldn’t stop.

Shara was grinning like that too. “I’m pregnant,” she said.

Bodhi gaped at her, then looked at Kes, then back at her. Now _he_ couldn’t stop grinning like a madman. “Congratulations!” He said, throwing his arms around Shara. “That’s wonderful. That’s – that’s beautiful. I’ll babysit whenever. I love kids. And yours is sure to be really good and annoyingly good-looking.”

“Good, because I’m nervous,” Shara said, even though she didn’t look it. “I’ve never even held a baby.”

“It’s easy,” Bodhi assured her. “I had ten younger cousins and a little sister. I know everything. I’m the baby whisperer.” Babies loved him.

“We haven’t told a lot of people yet,” Kes said, putting his hand on Bodhi’s shoulder. “But we wanted to ask you to be a godparent.”

Bodhi stared at them both, speechless. He hadn’t expected that whatsoever. He looked for Shara to Kes and back, even though they didn’t appear to be joking and probably wouldn’t joke about something like this. “ _Really_?” he said, and Shara nodded. “I would be honored.”

“We know you’ll be there if we can’t be,” Shara said softly. “You’ll love him.”

“It’s a him?” Bodhi said and Shara nodded. “Can I feel your stomach?”

“If you must,” Shara said snottily, but she took Bodhi’s hand and put it on her stomach. Bodhi grinned. There was a little life in there, and he got to be a part of it.

“We also asked Cassian,” Kes said. “We, uh – didn’t want to ask you without you knowing that, because we know you broke up but you _do_ seem really chummy lately for two people who _just broke up_.”

Bodhi straightened up. “I can’t believe you two,” he said in mock-anger and indignation. “Did you ask me to be a godparent just so you could be the first to know the gossip?”

“Only a little bit,” Shara said, right as Kes nodded and said, completely straight-faced, “Absolutely.”

Bodhi laughed. “You’re both ruthless,” he said. He looked down the empty hallway and made a decision. “Fine, I will tell you, but it’s not gossip, okay, you can’t tell anyone.” He didn’t think they’d want to, anyways, once they heard the truth. They were expecting something sappy and cute like ‘we discovered we still loved each other’ or something. Not what they were about to get.

The grin slid off Kes’s face at Bodhi’s tone. “It’s serious, then?” he said, touching Bodhi’s shoulder lightly.

“Kind of,” Bodhi said. “It’s not that we broke up. I mean, we technically did, but – it’s that – ” He was doing a much worse job explaining it this time. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. “I was really injured on our last mission. And – someone could heal me, but the price was Cassian’s memories. Of me. And Cassian gave them. So he doesn’t remember anything about me or that we were dating or anything.”

“Oh, Bodhi,” Kes said, and then his arms were around Bodhi. “I’m so sorry.”

“So you just let the rumor go around base to keep your privacy,” Shara said, understanding in her eyes. “And you still love him.”

“How could I not, when he gave up his memories so that I didn’t die?” Bodhi said, accepting her hug as well. “So we’re – just friends for now. There’s no ill will there whatsoever.”

“And maybe it’ll happen again?” Shara asked. Bodhi winced. It felt so weird hearing her say that, because even though that was the end goal, it felt very stalkerish of him sometimes. But Shara didn’t seem to think so.

But that was the plan, so he nodded. “Ideally, you’ll get to tell your kid about his awesome godparents, who are dating. Again.”

Shara snorted. “He’ll be able to tell that without us telling him,” she said. “I’ve seen the way Cass looks at you still.”

“Are you doing okay?” Kes asked.

“I’m getting there,” Bodhi said. “I feel a little better for having told you and of course, your good news has _considerably_ cheered me up.” He gave Kes a small grin. “I’ll get there.”

Shara looked down at her stomach. “Your godparents are _wild_ ,” she said, which made Bodhi giggle.

“Okay, get back to your party,” Kes said, shooing Bodhi away. “And congratulations, Bodhi.”

“Congrats to you,” Bodhi said, taking a few steps down the hallway. “Really.”

\--------------

The next time Cassian saw Bodhi, he was in the mess hall again the night after the party, his head bent over something. It was about 2000 but Cassian wasn’t here because he couldn’t sleep, he was here because he thought Bodhi would be here.

“Evening,” Cassian said, sitting down. He tried to get a look at what Bodhi was doing but could only see a piece of fabric. “Did _you_ take up knitting?”

“Haha,” Bodhi said, lifting his head. “No. Not my strong suit.” He considered. “I’ll have way more downtime now that I’m an X-wing pilot though, so I guess I could.” Fighter pilots tended to fly way less missions than other pilots. Some of Bodhi’s time now would be spent going through practice runs with his squadron and running occasional missions, but mostly he’d just be constantly waiting for alarms to ring.

“Did you hear back about what squadron you were assigned to?”

A small grin made its way onto Bodhi’s face. “Rogue Squadron.”

Cassian grinned at him. Bodhi had tried to keep it a secret, but he hadn’t done a very good job: everyone knew just how much he wanted to part of the Rogue Squadron. “I knew you would,” he said. “Congratulations.”

Bodhi grinned back. “Thank you again for the party,” he said softly. “It was really great. Everything was great. I didn’t think anyone would care.”

The truth was, Cassian hadn’t even done that much. He floated the idea with a few people he knew were Bodhi’s friends – Kes and Shara, for example – and then found out that a lot of people really liked Bodhi and wanted to take part. “I didn’t even do anything,” he said, shaking his head. “Kes did most of it.” Well, Kes had got the word out, at least.

“Uh-huh,” Bodhi said, not believing it at all. “Well, thank you anyways.” He stuck his needle into his piece of fabric and took a sip of his tea.

“So what _are_ you doing?” Cassian asked, gesturing towards the fabric. Bodhi spread out on the table a small piece of fabric. One corner was embroidered in blue, with a small cloud. “You’re – sewing?”

“Practicing my embroidery,” Bodhi said, smiling again. He seemed very smiley tonight. He seemed calmer and more in control than he usually did when they sat here.  “I want to make a family shawl.”

Cassian frowned. “Don’t you already have one?”

“Oh, yeah, I do, it’s not for me,” Bodhi said, bending over the small piece of fabric. He carefully started working on another little cloud. “It’s for the little Dameron.”

“They told you!” Cassian said, smiling. Kes had asked him to be a godfather two days ago and mentioned that they were asking Bodhi as well. It had been torture to keep that a secret. Mystery solved, though – Bodhi was in such a good mood, so calm and happy, because of that.

“Last night,” Bodhi said, grinning at Cassian in that way he had – like nothing could possibly make him happier than what he was already grinning about. “And the kid needs a family shawl. If I can make that happen.” He bent back over his fabric.

“I want to help,” Cassian said.

Bodhi’s head shot up. “Good!” He showed off his little cloud on the fabric and passed it to Cassian, indicating that Cassian should try to make a little cloud too. There was a little cloud pattern on the cloth but it was just an outline. “Because you have to!”

Cassian did not feel equipped to make a little cloud. “I do?”

Bodhi nodded. “It’s traditional.”

“Tell me,” Cassian said. Bodhi didn’t talk very much about any Jedhan customs, but Cassian knew they were important to him.

Bodhi smiled again, softer this time. Nostalgic. “On Jedha, it’s traditional for the family to create a shawl. It usually takes several months, about as long as the kid is in the womb. Every family member does some part. I did a small moon on my cousin’s shawl when I was only a year old.”

“Such skill.”

Bodhi snorted. “My grandmother held my hand and the needle at the same time.” He counted quickly on his fingers. “I’ve helped make eleven shawls. And ten of those I actually was old enough to know what I was doing.”

“So you’ve got this down, then.”

“Definitely not,” Bodhi objected. “I mean, my embroidery is fine, but my grandmother was always the one who did the bulk of the work. I’ve never been in charge of it. I’ll probably have to find an easy pattern.”

Cassian looked down at the little cloud. “Do a sky scene,” he suggested, reaching out and tapping it. “For Shara. All that space.” He stuck his needle into the cloth and tried to follow the outline.

“Good idea,” Bodhi said. “Plus, moons are really easy to make for people who have no skills.”

“Like me, huh?” Cassian said, showing off his finished cloud. It came out much more lopsided than Bodhi’s had, but resembled a cloud well enough. Cassian grinned down at it. He guessed if you could sew up a wound, you could sew a cloud.

“Hey, that wasn’t half bad,” Bodhi said, laughing. Stupidly, Cassian thought he’d give just about anything to let Bodhi be happy like this forever. Calm and content and at peace with the way things were, instead of the one who kept popping up, stressed and exhausted and not sleeping. “Anyways, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to finish the whole thing, I’ve always been very slow. So you might have to pitch in more than you expected.”

“But my cloud was lopsided,” Cassian objected.

“Well, the little Dameron won’t know that for at least fifteen years,” Bodhi said, then, “I don’t want it to be lopsided, though, so I’ll guess you’ll have to practice.” He sighed. “I got five months to get this together. And a lot of people on base will want to help.”

“We’re a family here,” Cassian agreed. He picked his needle back up and started working on another cloud. “But you must have thought you’d make one someday, right? For your own kids?”

Bodhi sighed. “Not really,” he admitted. “I mean, my grandmother made mine. She was the head of the family, she made all the shawls. In my head, I just assumed it would be her, even though she would be too old to hold the needles well now.” He made a face. “I’m going to have to make an individual shawl for each kid I have, so I guess I have to start now.”

“Do you want a lot of kids?” Cassian said, holding the fabric up to his eye as if being four inches closer would be that much more helpful.

“I don’t know,” Bodhi said. “I mean, I do want kids, eventually, but it’s kind of – not high on my list of things to worry about at the moment. I don’t think I could have hope in the middle of a war like Kes and Shara.”

Cassian passed off his second finished cloud – less lopsided but still not perfect – to Bodhi. “I understand. It’s going to be rough on them.” He’d thought the same thing – not about children, but about relationships – before. It was hard in a war. But there was something beautiful about life going on and love coming together.

“Yeah,” Bodhi said, “But I’m so happy for them.” He looked down at his little scrap of fabric. “Their kid is gonna be so loved! So many people are going to help me make this shawl and be a part of this kid’s life! And – and I get to be part of it too.”

“Kes and Shara love you,” Cassian said. He wasn’t sure exactly what Bodhi was saying, but would listen until Bodhi talked himself around to the point.

“I know,” Bodhi said. He looked up at Cassian and gestured vaguely towards the air. “I know, but it’s still like – they love me. Just cause. People love each other. I’m not explaining this very well.”

Cassian shrugged. “I get it,” he said. “Even when things are really bad, it’s still beautiful that people have the capacity for so much love.”

Bodhi pointed at Cassian. “Exactly. Kes and Shara have so much love! For each other and for you and me and their kid and it’s just – fucking wonderful, you know? And it keeps going. You lose people you love but you can _love more_.”

Cassian had never thought about it, really, not in-depth. But here was Bodhi, talking about how important it was to love and be loved. Cassian had lost his parents so young that he rarely thought about it, but Bodhi must have dwelled on it a lot about it after he lost everyone who loved him on Jedha. He must have found such solace in the people becoming his new family and how much they loved him and how much love he could give back to them.

It _was_ beautiful. Bodhi made it even more so. He had such an amazing capacity to love, like no one else Cassian had ever seen. Bodhi was absolutely in love with the idea that people loved each other, and Cassian was falling in love with that.

Fuck. He was really falling in love. _I get it universe_ , he thought while Bodhi just kept talking. _We’re talking about love, it’s a little on the nose, don’t you think_?

The universe, predictably, didn’t answer.

“I think that’s why I like the shawls so much,” Bodhi was saying thoughtfully. “It’s the tangible proof of love, you know?”

Cassian cleared his throat. “I know,” he said. He didn’t. He didn’t have anything that belonged to his parents, had no way to know that proof.

Bodhi shrugged. “I think a space and sky shawl would be really perfect,” he said, continuing to talk. He liked to talk. Cassian liked to listen to him talk.

Cassian was _pathetic_. Probably the universe wanted him to make a move. But he wasn’t ready and he didn’t know if he would be ready. He suspected that if he made a move and Bodhi wasn’t ready or interested, he would still be able to love Cassian with his whole heart. He wouldn’t let this spoil their friendship.

Cassian really needed some time to think about this, but then he wouldn’t get to sit here with Bodhi and talk about love and family or whatever. Bodhi eventually trailed off and bent over his fabric again. Cassian should have picked up his datapad and done work too but he didn’t feel like it. He had a lot to think about.

Eventually, Bodhi yawned and stood up. “I’m going to bed,” he said, waiting expectantly for Cassian to nod and pick up his datapad like he usually did.

Instead, Cassian said, “I’m going to stay a little bit longer.”

“You need sleep,” Bodhi said. “Or so everyone keeps reminding me.”

“I just have a lot of work to do,” Cassian said tactfully, instead of saying something like _no one would tell you to sleep more if you didn’t skip entire nights_ or _we worry about you too_.

“Okay,” Bodhi said. He still looked distrustful but he _did_ leave. Jyn or Kay or Chirrut would have bothered him about it more, but Bodhi understood.

Cassian stayed in the mess hall for another three hours, trying to do work but failing. When he finally went back to his quarters, he spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling.

\----------

Bodhi wasn’t at breakfast because he had X-wing drills to do, and Cassian was almost grateful that he would have more time to think. Jyn was god knows where and Chirrut was meditating, which left Cassian and Baze to a peaceful, mostly silent breakfast.

Baze was the first to break the peaceful quiet. “And how are you, Captain?”

Cassian was almost startled by the question. “Why? Do I not look alright?”

“You always look fine,” Baze told him, not saying anything more. He had always been very good at getting the point across even while saying nothing. Maybe Cassian looked fine on the outside, but inside, he wasn’t.

Cassian took a bite of his chicken. “I’m okay,” he said, which was truthful enough. “I have a lot on my mind.” Baze stared at him expectantly. “You want me to tell you?”

“Chirrut is nosy and wants to know what’s going on,” Baze said, spreading jam on his bread as if this were par for the course. It was.

Cassian snorted. “Of course he is,” he said.

“I, of course, already _know_ what’s going on,” Baze said. “Have I told you how Chirrut and I began our relationship?”

“No,” Cassian said. He wasn’t sure how Baze had known what was on Cassian’s mind, but he suspected if he wouldn’t get much of an answer if he asked. Baze always just seemed to know.

“It was a few months after he lost his vision,” Baze said. He considered. “He was still running into walls. We had been working towards a relationship for many years, but it would have been easy for him to push me away because he was scared. I did not let him.”

Cassian stared at Baze. “How did you _do_ that?” Baze must be a mind-reader. It was one thing to know that Cassian was crushing on Bodhi and another _entirely_ to know the exact reasons it was a problem.

It was true. Cassian _was_ scared. Scared of falling in love in a time of war, scared of messing this up, scared because he wasn’t good enough for Bodhi, kind and generous and surprisingly strong Bodhi who had done so much to right wrongs that weren’t really his fault in the first place. Bodhi who was in love with the idea of love.

He deserved better than Cassian, really.

Baze huffed. “I have often thought the same thing. Chirrut is a good man. I often was not. However, Chirrut did not agree with this assessment. I think you’ll find Bodhi does not agree with yours either.”

Of course Bodhi wouldn’t. Bodhi saw the good in every one. Bodhi would _never_ consider Cassian a bad man. “He deserves better.”

“You make him happy,” Baze countered instead of saying that it was Bodhi’s choice. Probably Baze knew that Cassian already knew that. “He will not push you, Cassian. The burden lies on you. Are you more scared of what might happen or what happens if you don’t?”

“I don’t know,” Cassian said. Baze was so straight-forward about it. “I don’t – what if he isn’t interested?”

“Then he isn’t interested,” Baze said. “But you know as well as I that he is.”

Cassian blinked at him. He’d hoped, of course, that Bodhi felt the same, but he could never tell if the warmth in Bodhi’s eyes was just friendship or something more. Baze, though, was privy to more than just the look in Bodhi’s eyes and the gentle way he smiled. “Do you ever get tired of dispensing romantic advice?”

Baze gave a grumpy laugh. “Not when it might help people I care about,” he said.

“Chirrut told me you were thinking of leaving,” Cassian said.

Baze huffed. “Maybe,” he said. “I am hesitant. And yes, I know what you told Chirrut, but I still dislike leaving Bodhi like this.”

“So your ulterior motive is to get me to date Bodhi so you feel comfortable leaving him,” Cassian guessed, smiling a little bit.

“It would certainly help,” Baze said calmly, only the slightest curl of his lips betraying the fact that he was joking. “So if you could work on that – ”

Cassian snorted. “Of course,” he said, picking up his now empty tray. “Right after shift.”

\----------

After shift, of course, he did nothing. Well, he met Bodhi and Jyn for lunch, but he didn’t _say_ anything. And he didn’t do anything the next day or the day after that, even when Baze kept staring at him in ways that Cassian _knew_ meant _what are you waiting for?_ Instead, Cassian just contented himself with listening to Bodhi, who spent much of his time practicing for the shawl. At least, most of the time Cassian was with him, he spent talking about the shawl.

Presumably because not very many people _knew_ about the little Dameron. Jyn didn’t know, or Kaytoo, or most of the people on base. Leia knew, since she’d already approached Bodhi and said that she wanted to practice her embroidery so that her piece of the shawl wasn’t the ugliest.

“How am I supposed to get people to help make a shawl if no one _knows_ yet?” Bodhi said, as he and Cassian were walking down the hallway.

“It won’t be that way for long,” Cassian pointed out. “Shara’s at four months, she’s already started showing.”

“I guess,” Bodhi said thoughtfully. “They really shouldn’t have told me, I’m bad at keeping secrets.”

“It’s only been a week.”

“And I want to tell the entire world!” Bodhi protested. “Eventually, people are going to notice that I’m acting weird. I was trying to arrange leave soon and everyone kept asking me where I was going and I couldn’t tell them!”

“Where _are_ you going?” Cassian asked, unsure how they’d managed to jump from talking about the Damerons to leave.

“I want to go to the colony on Yavin,” Bodhi said, fiddling with the cuff of his sleeve. “Kes has family there. I already talked to Shara, and the only people she considers family are dead, but Kes has parents and a brother.”

Cassian held up a hand. “I’m sorry,” he said slowly. “Are you trying to arrange leave so that you can go to the Yavin IV colony and find Kes’s parents so they can work on the shawl?”

Bodhi didn’t look like he appreciated this line of questioning. “It’s not a family shawl if everyone doesn’t help.”

“No, I know,” Cassian said. He knew how important it was to Bodhi, he just didn’t realize it was _give up my two weeks leave so that I can do this for my friends_ important. “I just – that’s really thoughtful of you. To do that.”

“Oh, it’s nothing, they deserve it,” Bodhi said, waving a hand like he was trying to wave away how much extra work he was going to put in just so they could have this. He didn’t even seem to consider it a burden, from the way he was talking about it. To Bodhi, that was just something you did when you loved people and the cost was so worth it, it was barely a cost at all.

God, Cassian was in love with him.

“I don’t really speak any Yavinese though,” Bodhi said saying, before noticing that Cassian had stopped walking. He turned around and took a few steps towards him, putting his hand on Cassian’s shoulder. When he spoke again, his voice was laced with concern. “Cass?”

 _Don’t say my name in that voice_ , Cassian thought, even as he reached out and put his hand on Bodhi’s shoulder like he was a lifeline. Bodhi didn’t say anything, just kept his eyes on Cassian as if he was a particularly tempting puzzle.

“I’m okay,” Cassian said roughly. “Just, um. Thinking of you. Trying to speak Yavinese. It’s a little funny.”

Bodhi pursed lips at him in mock-anger. “I’ll have you know that I know a good ten sentences in Yavinese,” he said, but he couldn’t keep up his poker face.

He was laughing and the world seemed brighter and better and then Cassian was kissing him.

It feel so familiar, the way their lips slotted together. Like they’d done it thousands of times before. The way Bodhi’s hand rested on Cassian’s chest, his waist under Cassian’s hands, the giggle the Cassian had caught in a kiss. It was all so familiar and comforting.

 _This is right_ , Cassian thought with startling clarity. _This is right_.

And it was, until Bodhi broke away and said, eyes wide, “What are you _doing_?”

Everything was wrong. Cassian had been wrong. “I had thought it was obvious.” But Bodhi deserved a real answer, so he said, “I like you, Bodhi. I thought you liked me too.” He had been so certain. Found interest gleaming in Bodhi’s eyes. He was wrong.

“I do!” Bodhi said, which just made no sense. Cassian frowned at him, watched as he visibly composed himself. “I do,” he said gently, grasping Cassian’s hand. “But I don’t know if I can. It’s complicated. Would you – would you let me think?”

“Think?” Cassian said dumbly.

“Just for a few hours,” Bodhi said. “Please.”

“Of course,” Cassian said. _Stupid_. He should have known better. Should have known Bodhi wasn’t ready for this yet. He’d seemed so calm and happy the past few weeks. Cassian had been lulled into a false sense of complacency, thought that Bodhi had gotten over his last boyfriend.

He should have waited. He would have waited forever.

\---------------

Bodhi didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him even as he walked away, leaving Cassian standing there in the hallway. Wasn’t this what he had been hoping for?

Of course it was.

It felt sadder than Bodhi had expected it to. He’d thought he would feel really happy, but when Cassian had kissed him, he mostly remembered all the things he had lost. It was strange – he’d pretty much accepted the possibility that Cassian would never love him again and he was – okay – with that. Okay enough, anyways. And then Cassian had kissed him. Which was what Bodhi had been working for, but he just hadn’t been prepared for the way his chest hurt.

He didn’t know why he even asked for time to think. Maybe it was to reconcile his own guilt or pain, but it sure wasn’t because he was going to turn Cassian down. He loved Cassian too much for that.

It just felt a little cruel to constantly be wishing for the old Cassian when he was still there, right in front of Bodhi.

Baze would be furious at Bodhi for this indecision, and Bodhi was furious at himself, but he kept thinking of the inside jokes he and Cassian used to have, the plant they picked out together, all that they had shared, and he felt _weird_.

Sirens startled him out his thoughts. The second the voice over the intercom announced _Rogue, Blue, and Green Squadrons, report to the hangar_ , he knew what he was doing. His mind was clear. Fuck indecision.

He had to find Cassian. He pulled on his orange flight suit as quickly as he could, hoping Cassian would maybe be near the hangar, looking for him, because he had something to say.

It had been sad to have Cassian kiss him and for Bodhi to remember all he lost, but Cassian deserved more and there was no use moping when Cassian would never remember anyway. Bodhi could have the _future_ instead of being caught in the past.

Shara Bey saw him when he entered the hangar and gave him a roguish grin. She wouldn’t be scared, of course. He started towards her but then – there. Cassian. Standing amongst the crowd, next to Draven.

“Cass,” he said, catching him by the arm and pulling him a few steps away from Draven who very politely did not look their way. “Hi.”

Cassian looked startled to be pulled aside. “You have to go,” he said, pointing at a random A-wing like Bodhi might not know or something.

“I know,” Bodhi said. His hand came up and traced along Cassian’s jaw of his own accord. “I have to go but – I – I want to say that I do like you. And – I’m very interested in you.” This next part wasn’t even a lie, really. “I just got scared. I didn’t know if I was ready.”

“For a relationship,” Cassian clarified.

“Maybe it’s that I’m not over my last one, but -” Bodhi said, then hesitated. He didn’t want to start this relationship with a lie. Cassian’s jaw was warm under his fingers.

“But,” Cassian prompted. His hand came up too, warm against Bodhi’s.

“But I want to be,” Bodhi said simply. It wasn’t really a lie. He wasn’t over Cassian yet, but he would have to be. He wanted to be, if they were to have any sort of future together. “I want to be with you. I had to let you know that before I left.”

“We’ll talk when you get back,” Cassian said. He gave Bodhi’s hand a squeeze, clearly unwilling to say anything morbid. He believed in Bodhi, the way he always had.

“Okay then,” Bodhi said. He pressed a soft kiss to Cassian’s lips and it felt right in a way the first one hadn’t. Then he pulled away. He caught a lift towards his X-wing, Shara Bey scooting over to make room for him and elbowing him in the side.

“You know you have to tell me _everything_ ,” she said, eying Cassian.

“We’re about to go into battle!” Bodhi protested. “Is this the time?

“It’s always the time,” she said, jumping off and heading towards her plane. She stuck her tongue out at him, then yelled, “Drinks on me after!” even as Bodhi was climbing into his own plane.

\-------------

Cassian waited. He felt like he was always waiting. He had made his peace long ago with the fact that his job meant he was _always_ waiting, but it was different, of course, when Bodhi was in the air.

Cassian wondered if Bodhi had ever been in battle before. He knew as a cargo pilot it was likely that pirates had followed Bodhi’s ship, just as likely that the Rebellion itself had appeared when he was just working a cargo run. And he didn’t know, exactly, what Bodhi got up to before they’d become friends. But Bodhi hadn’t seemed that nervous ten minutes ago when he’d talked to Cassian.

Usually during these missions he waited in the war room even though he didn’t need to be there. Very rarely did his information become useful when fighter pilots were already in the air.

But he was incapable of waiting outside, in his room, or in the mess hall. No one could begrudge him this, when the entire base was waiting with baited breath.

So he tucked himself in the back of the war room, along with Kaytoo, who was much more conspicuous than he was, and listened to the chatter of the Generals mingled among the chatter from squadron leaders over the comms.

He didn’t expect the splitting pain that coursed through his body and had him falling to his knees. “Captain Andor?” someone said, but he couldn’t tell who, could only clutch at his head which felt roughly as if someone was trying to split it open, then a voice that was maybe Kaytoo said, “Cassian?”

The pain subsided just as Luke Skywalker’s voice filtered over the comms. “Mission success,” he said. “Requesting medical back-up. Bodhi Rook and Wedge Antilles were both hit. Rook is planetside.” He said it calmly, like he didn’t just turn Cassian’s world upside down.

Cassian felt more than saw every single head in the war room swivel towards him, even as Leia was saying, “Get medical down there immediately.”

The room was too hot. Cassian pushed himself off the wall, well aware that he looked absolutely crazy. Kaytoo started walking out of the room, clearing people with his arms, and Cassian followed in his wake, barely able to breathe.

Bodhi was injured. Bodhi was _injured_. He was so tired of Bodhi being hurt, time and time again and Cassian wasn’t _there_.

He’d never been known for emotional outbursts but who could blame him when he turned and punched the wall?

“Fuck!” he said, beating the wall again. “Fuck!” Kaytoo, thankfully, did not tell him to calm down, just let him rage. He couldn’t _remember_ the last time he had been this angry, and he knew anger well: it was always simmering just below the surface. This surpassed them all. “What the fuck was everything on Plu’ete for if he’s just going to die again?”

He thought he was crying. He wrapped his arms around his torso, his hand probably broken, and considered getting a handle on himself before deciding _fuck that_.

Kaytoo said, “You _remember_?”

Cassian stopped punching the wall. He could blame the fact that he was distraught for not realizing sooner, but… “I remember it all,” he said brokenly. Him and Bodhi and Taa. “I remember it all.”

Bodhi might die and Cassian would never get to tell him that he remembered it all.

\---------

Cassian was waiting outside medical when Bodhi was brought in, but he only saw a glimpse: the doctors were good at shutting out loved ones, and so he was stuck waiting with Kaytoo outside medical. A medidroid fixed up his hand. The droid didn’t need to tell Cassian it was broken, Cassian already knew.

Cassian was more familiar with the medcenter waiting room then he would like to be. “Kay,” he said tiredly, sinking into one of the chairs. “Will you go get Baze and Chirrut and Jyn?”

Usually, Kay would have mentioned something about how that wasn’t his primary function, but in a true show of how much he liked Bodhi, he just said, “I'll find them.”

“And – don’t tell them about my memory?” Cassian said, putting his hands together. He didn’t know if he could handle the questions or the cheer at this moment, and besides, “Bodhi should know first.”

“Fine,” Kaytoo said, even though there was a seventy percent chance they’d find out immediately just because Kay was that bad at lying.

Cassian hated the waiting room. At the moment it was empty, but soon it would be full of people wanting to hear about Bodhi. He welcomed that. To sit in this empty room felt too much like grieving. Cassian began to regret sending Kaytoo away.

Kes only took another two minutes to show up. “Luke told me on his way to the briefing,” he said, throwing his arms around Cassian. His eyes looked a little wild. “How is he?”

Cassian shrugged. “Alive,” he said helplessly, just as the door opened again.

“Is he okay?” Shara demanded, then, just realizing Kes was in the room, “Hey, babe.”

Cassian looked at her. “You didn’t even check in with your husband before you came here?”

“I knew he’d be here!” Shara protested, punching Cassian then giving him a hug. “It’s not like _he’s_ the one in the medcenter!” Over her shoulder, Cassian could see Kes snort and as always, Cassian felt a little thrill of wonder to see how strong their love was.

Slowly but surely, people began filtering in. No one said much, just reminders to each other of how strong Bodhi was, how he’d faced worse. Jyn showed up wearing mismatched shoes and just sat next to Cassian, saying nothing. Every so often, Kaytoo would give him a pat on the back like he was trying to be comforting.

It felt better this way.

“I can’t tell you too much,” Luke said, once he showed up after his briefing. He was still in his flight suit. “He took out four TIE fighters, Cass. He had three trailing him.” He looked contemplative. “Probably saved Wedge’s life, honestly. Shot two off his tail.”

Cassian closed his eyes. “Thank you,” he said, though he didn’t know what he was saying it for.

It took hours for a doctor to come into the waiting room, and even then, he was looking for people waiting for Wedge Antilles. Luke jumped up and came back bearing the news that Wedge was doing okay – he’d hit his head very badly and was incredibly concussed, but wanted to know the instant Bodhi was awake so he could thank him – and then Luke returned to his bedside.

It was very very late when the doctor came into the waiting room looking for Cassian. Shara was leaning against Kes, who was nodding off every so often. Leia was using Jyn’s legs as a pillow. “You _know_ I can’t tell you _all_ about Rook,” she said to the group of people, who of course knew but were there anyways. “Captain?”

Confused, Cassian disentangled himself from Chirrut and Jyn’s arms, stepping over Chirrut’s legs, and followed her down the hallway. “You can’t tell me anything?”

The doctor looked started. “Of course I can,” she said. “Rook never removed you as his next of kin.”

Of course he wouldn’t have. It wasn’t as if they’d really broken up, after all. “Oh.”

“He’ll be okay,” the doctor said, apparently not caring to discuss it further. “He went into a bacta tank nearly immediately. He had two major wounds, one on his lower torso and one on the front of his thigh. He’s very lucky, Captain, the cold of the planet he landed on stopped his blood loss. If he’d crashed on another planet, he might not be alive.”

Cassian was never going to complain about the cold again. “Thank you,” he said.

“He’s out of the bacta tank now,” the doctor said, “If you want to sit with him.”

“I do,” Cassian said. “Let me just tell everyone.”

The doctor nodded. “He’s in the last room on the end,” she said. “When you’re ready.”

“Thank you,” Cassian said solemnly. He didn’t even know this woman’s name and yet she had saved the love of his life. Thank you didn’t seem like enough, but it was all any of them had.

“How _is he?_ ” Jyn said immediately.

“He’ll be okay,” Cassian said, and Kes let out a huge cheer. “He’s not awake yet, but he’s gonna be okay.”

“Thank the Force,” Chirrut said quietly.

“I’m going to sit with him,” Cassian said.

Baze nodded. “We will give you some time alone.” Jyn looked like she was about to protest, but Baze swung his arm over her shoulders and handily steered her out the door.

Chirrut came over and gave Cassian a quick hug. “You were right, of course,” he said. “That boy is always so strong.”

Kes was supporting Shara as she sleepily tried to walk. He locked eyes with Cassian and nodded, the barest hint of a smile on his face. Shara waved. Leia briefly squeezed Cassian’s hand before heading off to Wedge’s room to let Luke know the news.

And Cassian? He walked to the room at the end of the hall.

Bodhi looked very small in the hospital bed, but he looked very alive. His hand was warm when Cassian took it and his breathing seemed even. Cassian could have sobbed with relief. He had put Bodhi through so much, and he had pushed forward and survived, just like he would now.

Only now could Cassian realize just what he had put Bodhi through. He thought of Bodhi carefully asking about his head, and how shocked he’d seemed when Cassian had tried to touch his shawl, and how he must have emptied the room of everything they’d bought together. Of how much he must have hurt Bodhi without even knowing: saying he didn't date often, saying he couldn't sleep because he was missing something. He must have been casually breaking Bodhi's heart for two months now.

He could scarcely believe that Bodhi had been able to smile so often, had been so supportive. He _still_ had been there for Cassian even when he was deeply hurting. And Cassian hadn’t really known. Bodhi had tried to hide it. In a way, that hurt Cassian the most – it had taken him so long to get Bodhi to open up when they were dating.

Bodhi, who would barely tell anyone if he was unhappy. It wasn’t something he meant to do, he was just so used to pushing all of his emotions down. He barely even recognized them in himself sometimes.

They tried together, of course, which made it all worth something. Cassian coaxed Bodhi into talking about his emotions instead of keeping them bottled up, never to come to the surface. In return, Bodhi encouraged Cassian to share the things he was willing to: his rage, his grief, his own internal struggles. Things he knew about himself but had been scared to tell anyone about.

They had worked so well together. Maybe Cassian had ruined that. Cassian didn’t even know where they stood now.

\------------------

Cassian was awake, of course, when Bodhi woke up around 0300. How could he not be? He kept replaying different moments from the last two months and thinking about how much it must have _hurt_ to hear.

“Hey,” Cassian said gently, leaning forward when Bodhi made a groaning noise and opened his eyes. He reached out and smoothed Bodhi’s hair back. He was slightly feverish. “You’re not dead.”

“Awesome,” Bodhi managed to say. He was already trying to sit up, of course, he always pushed his limits. This time, Cassian helped him sit up a little more and get settled against the pillows. “I love that.”

“I’m really glad you didn’t die,” Cassian said. He passed a glass of water over to Bodhi and helped him sip it.

“Yeah, I think my being dead would have ruined the honeymoon phase,” Bodhi said.

Cassian let out a laugh that turned into a quiet sob. “Bodhi,” he said, tracing his hand on Bodhi’s jaw, to make sure Bodhi was looking at him. Bodhi shivered. “I remember. It’s not our new relationship, it’s our old one. We were together.”

Bodhi gaped at him, clearly stunned. “Did Shara tell you or something?”

“No,” Cassian said. He hadn’t realized Shara had known. He wondered how many of their friends must have known, must have thought him cruel. “I just – I remembered. When you got injured, I remembered it all. Bodhi, I’m so sorry. You went through so much.”

“So you remember the time I spilled bright orange soup on my pants and didn’t notice for several hours?”

“Yes.”

“I would have been okay if you’d forgotten that,” Bodhi mumbled. His eyes were filling up with tears, which he swiped at hurriedly. “Sorry, I don’t mean to cry.”

“It’s always okay to cry,” Cassian said, like he had said dozens of times before, because Bodhi was also so intent on keeping his emotions to himself. This only made Bodhi cry more. “Oh, love,” Cassian said, heart breaking. “I’m so sorry. Please. I am so sorry for everything I put you through.”

“It’s okay,” Bodhi said, even though it wasn’t. That was Bodhi, always putting other people before himself even when he was _crying_. Cassian climbed very carefully onto the bed with him, letting Bodhi cling to him and feeling his heart ache.

“It’s not okay. I don’t regret it but – ” Cassian hesitated. “I – understand if you can’t forgive me.” He waited a few moments, but Bodhi was silent. “Bodhi. Please. Talk to me.”

“I know I’m crying but I’m really happy,” Bodhi said.  His voice was slightly muffled, since his face was buried in Cassian’s shoulder. “I was ready to do it, you know, but I’m so happy not to have to.”

“Ready for what?”

“To let the past be the past!” Bodhi said, jerking back to look Cassian in the eyes. “I was going to try! To move forward with me life and be your friend or your boyfriend and just have the past be a fond memory because it killed me, Cassian, it just _killed_ me to keep comparing you to the past.”

Cassian hadn’t even considered that. “I’m so sorry,” he said quietly. “I will never stop being sorry.”

Bodhi’s eyes softened. “No,” he said, taking Cassian’s hands in his. “It hurt, Cassian, but I – I would have been okay. If you had never remembered. When I kissed you in the hangar, I was ready to let the past be the past and just make a different future.” He gave Cassian a tiny smile. “I’m just happy that I don’t have to. See?”

Cassian closed his eyes. “I’m still sorry.”

“Cassian, stop,” Bodhi said sternly. “This is a really happy moment for me and you don’t get to ruin it by brooding. You can do that in a week or something. You haven’t even kissed me yet.”

“I didn’t know if I could,” Cassian admitted. “I thought you would be mad at me.”

“For – oh no, Cass,” Bodhi said, shaking his head. “You know me better than that. I blamed myself.” Cassian _did_ know Bodhi better than that. He was just too caught up in his own guilt to see it. “Besides, I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

Cassian jerked his head up. “ _What_?”

“I would have done the same thing,” Bodhi said calmly.

“But – but your memories are so important to you,” Cassian said stupidly.

Fire blazed in Bodhi’s eyes. “Not more important than you,” he said, taking Cassian’s face in his hands. And when he kissed Cassian, it felt electric and mind-numbing and beautiful.

Bodhi was smiling when he pulled back, his beautiful smile that made the world feel right. And it was right again. “Okay?” Bodhi asked softly.

Cassian didn’t answer the question. “I knew I would fall in love with you again.”

Bodhi’s jaw dropped open. “You can’t just _say_ things like that,” he said, though he didn’t look half as indignant as he sounded.  And Cassian just grinned at him, because that was such a Bodhi thing to say and Cassian could _remember_ him saying things like that before.

“No?” Cassian said. “Okay, kiss me again and I’ll think of something else to say.”

“Stop,” Bodhi said, laughing. But he did kiss Cassian again and again and again.

\------------------

Cassian didn’t leave Bodhi’s bedside. The next morning, Bodhi’s doctor had come in and given Bodhi the details of his stay – he’d would be released tomorrow – and Cassian was there, asleep in his chair still holding Bodhi’s hand. Baze and Chirrut showed up before their shift, and Cassian was still there, asleep. His neck was going to hurt when he woke up.

“You look healthy,” Chirrut said. His hand reached out and found Bodhi’s shoulder, as if making sure he was all in one piece.

“You look _happy_ ,” Baze noted instead.

Bodhi was. He had fallen asleep again last night, before the doctor had even come in to check on him. Cassian had made jokes about how Bodhi couldn’t even stay awake to kiss him anymore, which were _bad jokes_ and undeniably Cassian. Because Cassian loved to make Bodhi laugh with bad jokes.

Bodhi’s heart ached, but mostly in a good way this time. “He remembered.”

Chirrut nearly dropped his tea. “ _Remembered_?”

Bodhi nodded. “I woke up and he told me he remembered it all,” he said. “Right before he found out I was injured.” Something in his head clicked. “Fuck,” he said. “That’s what Taa meant about injury to injury.”

Chirrut looked a little confused, but Baze clearly understood. “His memory would remain gone until you were injured again,” he said. He shook his head. “That seems cruel.”

“It’s _wonderful_ ,” Bodhi said fiercely. He didn’t know how to explain it, really. Because he _had_ been completely ready to make himself move forward with Cassian even if it meant leaving what they had behind. “I mean, no, it was cruel, but it’s _okay now_.”

“Are you okay?” Chirrut asked quietly, squeezing Bodhi’s shoulder a little bit.

“Yeah,” Bodhi said. “I think I’m gonna be just fine.” He looked over at Cassian’s sleeping form – he always looked so peaceful when he was asleep. They _were_ going to be okay, and he was going to be okay.

“You’ve always being stronger than you give yourself credit for,” Baze said, and Bodhi looked up.

“What are you about to tell me?”

Chrirut didn’t look surprised, but Baze did. Bodhi didn’t know why – he had known them for a year, could tell they had something sad to say from the tone of Baze’s voice, from the way Chirrut’s head tilted.

“We are going to leave the Rebellion im a few months,” Baze said eventually. “We were putting it off, because of Cassian, but. It’s time.”

Bodhi looked at him. He didn’t understand. “I know,” he said, confused. “I mean, I didn’t know when, but I knew.” Baze and Chirrut had stayed for Jedha, but they had lived long lives, full of battle and war. Of course they would want to go.

Baze gaped at him a little bit, but Chirrut said, “Look, we spent all the times fretting about how he would feel if we left him and he doesn’t even care!”

“Of course I care!” Bodhi protested, even though he knew they were teasing him. “I’ll miss you,” he admitted, “But it’s not like I’m losing you.”

“See,” Cassian mumbled, lifting his head up and surprising them all. “I _told_ you.”

“What did you tell them?” Bodhi asked curiously, sweeping a hand through Cassian’s hair just because he could again.

“That you’d be okay,” Cassian said. And his eyes were sad, which Bodhi didn’t understand for a moment, then realized: Cassian had been giving all this advice without even knowing, really, what Bodhi was going through. He just thought it was a bad break-up. Hadn't realized that what caused Bodhi pained was something  _he'd_ done.

But they'd move past that. They had to. Bodhi hadn't come this far not to. “Yeah, we’re gonna be fine,” Bodhi said.

“Not us, Bodhi, _you_ ,” Cassian said, because apparently that was important. “You’ll be okay.”

\-------------

Bodhi _was_ okay. He healed. He moved on. He kissed Cassian as much as he possibly could and more publicly than Cassian probably wanted, but he couldn’t help it. He’d spent months wishing he could again. And now he _could_ again. Even as Baze and Chirrut made plans to leave in a few months, even as Cassian was sent on more missions, even when Jyn was in a bad mood – he still had the knowledge that Cassian _loved_ him.

“Bodhi,” Cassian murmured now, rolling over in bed. “Come to bed.”

“Hold on,” Bodhi mumbled, bowing his head over the family shawl. It had taken months, but slowly, under Bodhi’s fingers, the shawl had come to life, growing from one corner and spreading across the entire fabric. It happened much quicker than Bodhi had thought it would – Cassian helped a lot, and so had the base.  When Bodhi had gone to Yavin – Cassian at his side – he’d just barely had enough room for Kes’s family to add tiny planets. “I’m almost done. Like, all the way done.”

“I thought it was supposed to take longer,” Cassian said, sitting up a little bit to look at Bodhi’s work. Bodhi was finishing up final stitches on the ends but Cassian had been trying to get him to go to sleep for the better part of an hour.

“It was,” Bodhi said. “I underestimated the popularity of the Damerons.”

“They’re magnetic,” Cassian agreed. “Come to bed.”

“A few more minutes.”

“You said that an hour ago,” Cassian said gently. “We have to get up early tomorrow.” Tomorrow, Baze and Chirrut were leaving on the first transport out. They’d found a nice planet to settle on, mostly free on any problems with the Empire, and Bodhi was happy for them. They had promised to return, of course, should Bodhi need them, which meant Bodhi was determined not to call on them. He wanted to visit them instead. He couldn’t lose more family. “The little Dameron won’t be born tomorrow.”

Probably not. Shara was eight months pregnant and was so far absolutely thrilled with the shawl. Bodhi was pretty much counting the days until her due date, barely able to wait to meet his new family. But no, her kid probably wouldn’t be born tomorrow.

“Okay,” Bodhi relented, folding the shawl carefully so as not to lose the needle or thread. He carefully laid it on the desk and then lay down, Cassian happily looping an arm around his waist.

“What are you thinking about,” Cassian mumbled. His breath was warm on Bodhi’s cheek.

“How happy I am to have you here,” Bodhi said honestly. He’d gotten much better at telling Cassian these things, all the things he hadn’t been good at saying before, because there might be a day when he didn’t have the chance to.

Cassian was quiet. Bodhi knew he still felt guilty, would probably feel guilty for a long time, even though Bodhi had forgiven him and rarely thought there had been anything to forgive. "Are you happy?"

Bodhi couldn’t remember if anyone had ever asked him this. Maybe his mother, when he was young, but no one in years. No one had _cared_ in years. His heart felt a little tight. Because he was. Even with all that he had gone through, even with Baze and Chirrut leaving, even with the Empire an omnipresent threat.

And now Cassian had asked him this, half-asleep, clearly not even realizing what it meant. Bodhi resolved to tell him tomorrow, after they saw Baze and Chirrut off. Cassian needed to know what that meant to Bodhi.

“Yeah,” Bodhi said. “I’m really happy.” 

"Good," Cassian said, yawning. He smiled at Bodhi sleepily, curled in a little bit closer. "Me too. I love you."

 Bodhi smiled back at him. “I love you too.”

“Just so long as you know.”

“I do,” Bodhi assured him, pressing a kiss to Cassian’s forehead. “I know that. Of course I do."

He loved Cassian. Cassian loved him. And they were happy.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so mcuh for reading! and of course huge thank you to my best friend grace for beta-ing this, there would have been a thousand spelling errors without her. come visit me at my [tumblr](http://timetoboldlygo.tumblr.com/)! you can also read more about bodhi's family shawl [here](http://timetoboldlygo.tumblr.com/post/159768780362/bodhi-week-day-3)
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> title from kyla la grange's "i could be."


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